


And any man who must say ‘I am King’ is no king at all

by samarasharazi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Alternate Universe - Idols, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Best Friends, Cheating, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Rapper Lee Taeyong, Side Ships, Swearing, american debut, designer ten, imagine superm debut but just taeyong, side!markhei
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-01-24 20:31:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21344287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samarasharazi/pseuds/samarasharazi
Summary: Ten only wanted to be happy. Taeyong tried his best to give him that. Both boys were insecure, afraid of losing the other. They didn't realise that would be what drew them apart.Three years later and Taeyong lives a completely different life to the boy he used to know. Three years later and their lives cross over. Three years later and maybe Taeyong finally has a chance again.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Comments: 68
Kudos: 106





	1. i. my memories aren't yours

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to my new fic! i can't believe i started another one, i hate myself. confession, i have my yr 12 history exam tomorrow and i should NOT be doing this rn. whatever, i want to be a writer anyway.
> 
> please make sure to like and comment on this chapter if you enjoyed it, it makes my day!!

**NAMSAN MOUNTAIN PARK, SEOUL**

**9:34 PM**

**JULY, 2014**

“Taeyong, wait!” Ten shouted. Nothing could guide him in the darkness except for their cries.

Ten’s legs carried him all the way around, shouting out for Taeyong to come back. He was scared for his friend’s safety, he was always quite unstable in a state like this and Ten didn’t know what Taeyong was capable of doing. It was always a fear he never wanted to dwell on for too long.

Everything felt it would explode right out of his chest, every jagged piece sticking out to puncture him in the heart. All he had to do was find Taeyong and he’d be fine, everything would be okay again. He would be able to wipe away his tears.

A voice from his right cried out in pain and instantly made Ten shoot to where it was, fast breaths breaking the summer air.

“Taeyong?” he kept on running, calling his name. “Taeyong!”

“T-Ten?”

He found the bleeding boy on the edge of the dark walk path, almost disguised with the greenery around him. But Ten would see Taeyong any time of the day, in any moment of his life. He was the sole reason he was still standing.

Ten ran to Taeyong and immediately silenced his cries with his arms wrapped around his frail body. It was like hugging sticks and stones. But all he did was hold on tighter, any chance he had to make sure that Taeyong wouldn’t just disappear.

“Taeyong,” he whispered over and over again into his ear, not worrying about the grazes ruining his jeans or elbows. “I’m right here, everything will be okay.”

But Taeyong kept on crying, all broken like a china doll disassembled in Ten’s arms. It only made him think if it was _him_ that was breaking him apart.

Eventually though, the cries started to dim and turn into wet pants against Ten’s shirt. He could feel the damp stain on his chest but it was alright as long as Taeyong was _alright. _Even in the summer, the air was starting to get chilly and all Ten wanted to do was to get his best friend back inside.

**TAEYONG’S HOUSE, SEOUL**

**11:19 PM**

**FEBRUARY, 2013**

“Happy birthday to the bestest friend in the world!”

Today was Ten’s birthday and while his own parents couldn’t be there with him to celebrate it, he still had Taeyong as his family. It was his own definition of the term ‘family’ he made the moment the older boy stepped into his life.

Taeyong’s parents watched in glee as the birthday boy finally blew out the candles and turned to his friend. They clapped for him and whistled, just the four of them in the Lee living room. There was confetti and rainbow coloured streamers coming from the ceiling. A big ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY TEN’ was stuck on the wall that Taeyong had created the previous night when his sister had come over to visit her family.

“Happy 18th gorgeous boy.”

This was his home and he was happy.

-

“Do you think the world will accept people like me in the future?” Ten wondered into the silent room, watching wondrously as the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceilings sparkled through his eyes. They surrounded him, filled the room.

Taeyong loved astronomy. Loved the stars, wished to reach them. Ten just always wanted to be beside him, no matter his place.

“They will one day, I know they will. It’s already accepted in the western countries, it’s only a matter of time that it comes here,” Taeyong replied. He slept beside Ten on the large queen sized bed, face pressed so close he could smell the mint dancing on his breath. It was comforting to know that he would always have someone so close him, always there for him. It was a blessing he recognised many others didn’t have.

Ten drew his hand over Taeyong’s waist and drew him in closer, allowing their legs to tangle into one and their noses to touch. “I’d give up my freedom if all it meant was to be close to you.”

“That’s a big statement to make when you have the rest of your life waiting for you.”

**TEN’S HOTEL, SYDNEY**

**2:56 PM**

**JANUARY, 2015**

The moment he got the text, he dialled Taeyong as soon as he could.

“Good afternoon, Mr Lee, glad you could pick up the phone,” he joked into the receiver, sitting right on the edge of his bed. He had let the slide door open to let the warm air alongside the sun to into the room.

Taeyong on the other side was obviously in bed still even at twelve o’clock in the evening. **“I was busy last night and I didn’t get to sleep till four,” **the boy grumbled, his voice still very thick with sleep. Ten swallowed.

“I told you not to stay up so late! Your assignment isn’t due until next Thursday, don’t stay up late for it now.”

**“Yeah but no one is in the studio at that time of night and you know how much I like to have privacy with things like this.”**

Ten sighed and nodded, belatedly realising the person on the other side wouldn’t be able to see him. “I thought you guys had time slots where you could work with an actual sound producer to help you. Isn’t that time alone?” Ten asked because all he wanted for his friend was to be healthy and this wasn’t exactly what he had in mind when he said he was leaving for two weeks.

**“We have that but I needed more time to work on my piece, it can’t just be standard like the rest. I need to understand my own music either then what’s the point. I need to produce something I’m proud _of_, Ten,” **Taeyong said. He sounded more awake now that he had time to sit up and properly talk to his best friend who happened to be concerned for him. It was flattering really if wasn’t for the fact that Taeyong had no concern for any of his friend’s comments.

“Well, I’ll be back in five days,” Ten laughed, falling back into the mattress. “Don’t miss me too much.”

Taeyong snorted. **“I haven’t missed you this whole time, why would I start now?”**

-

“Tennie!” Taeyong squealed the moment Ten walked through the sliding custom doors. They both smiled to each other, eyes bright.

Taeyong’s parents stood behind him, each smiling on their own accord as their son ran to greet his best friend in a tight hug. Even others couldn’t help but watch the exciting meet-up.

“Didn’t miss me, huh?” Ten joked with Taeyong wrapped all around him like a koala. The boy only groaned and dug his head into his Ten’s neck, hiding himself from his friend’s convicting eyes.

Somehow, Ten managed to carry him all the way to where his parents stood without falling himself. They all laughed when he unceremoniously threw Taeyong to the ground (Well, Taeyong more pouted than laughed) and welcomed him home.

Seoul wasn’t the home he expected to make but the one he has nonetheless. Bangkok will always be his number one, but from the first moment Ten met his best friend he knew his time in Korea wouldn’t be as bad as he thought it to be.

Seven years later and he’s still here.

The three of them took him to their home for the night where he would settle before going back to his dorm room.

“So, Ten, how was Australia?” Taeyong’s father asked after a little while in the car, looking back into the rear mirror to look at the two boys hitting each other in the back.

Taeyong managed to sit on his hands long enough for Ten to reply back with a cheery “It was so fun! The beaches were really nice and so were the people. Surprisingly, I liked Melbourne much more than I did Sydney. The food was so good there. Adelaide was fine but it’s very quiet in comparison to Seoul and the other cities.”

Mrs Lee laughed and looked up from her phone, bringing up the screen to show the images Ten’s mother had sent her to the boys. “One day we’ll all have to go as a group and travel the world,” she said so kindly, snorting a little when Ten tried to swat the phone out of her hands.

“I don’t think I’d be able to last one day with Ten if went on a holiday together,” Taeyong snickered and resumed hitting the other boy.

“You wouldn’t last a second,” Ten said back, allowing himself to act like a child with Taeyong just for this moment.

Just for this moment.

**RECORDING STUDIO, NEO ENTERTAINMENT**

**12:02 AM**

**MARCH, 2019**

“It just doesn’t sound right, the bridge isn’t supposed to be one beat off the whole song. Yes, and I think the snares need to come off at 2:37. What? No I’m saying it just doesn’t work with the pedals in the bass. No I need them to harmonize more if they want the triplet to actually work with their voices.”

“Wait what?”

“No, wait-wait you can’t do that! I don’t want it, it wasn’t part of my contract!”

“Where? America? For how long?”

“Two months?”

**“You’ll have a whole team with you, everything will be fine. This is your American debut, take advantage of it.”**

“How many people will accompany me?”

**“A whole team is expected to come down with you. All of your managers except Jisoo are coming down and the makeup and styling team are coming with you as well. No one else will be managing your appearance in America.”**

“The styling team? Are the designers coming down as well?”

**“They’ll be overseeing the styling team, yes. Not all of them assigned to you are coming however, some will be staying back to work for the other artists.”**

“Are you sure I have to do this, you I don’t like leaving the country.”

**“I’m sorry Taeyong but that’s just the way an idol’s life is meant to be.”**

**CONSULTATION ROOM, NEO ENTERTAINMENT **

**10:48 PM**

**MARCH, 2019**

The news wasn’t a shock to Ten, someone who had just had a shockingly amazing dinner with his boyfriend right before being called into the office by the one and only Johnathan Suh himself. He had gotten the phone call right as the desert was brought out, Ten apologising to his boyfriend to step outside and answer Johnny’s call before the male on the other line started mass calling and texting him like he usually did. If Ten didn’t love him he would’ve complained to the higher authorities about working with him.

“Ten, we’re planning on having you and your team follow Taeyong along during his debut in America. Our instructions are to manage his look as much as possible without interference from other outlets. The only way to do this is for you to come along.”

It wasn’t as big of a deal as Ten’s mind made it to be. He’d already been working with the rapper for more than two years in close proximity that it wasn’t supposed to be any different to how it usually was.

But Ten had hoped for once that maybe he would be allowed to take a _break_, to have it his way for once. He tells no one about his inside conflicts, not even his boyfriend. If anything, the other man doesn’t even know a Taeyong Lee exists. Sometimes Ten wishes he could say the same thing about himself.

“That’s completely fine with me,” he agreed aloud, tucking his hands over his crossed lap when he smiled to everyone else in the room. “I wonder when the departure date is exactly?”

“September the first,” one of the lead managers said.

“Does the artist himself know about this yet?” Ten asked. Judging by the apprehensive faces all around the meeting table, he very clearly knew his answer.

“May I kindly remind you that Lee Taeyong does not like leaving the country without proper incentive. You should’ve discussed this with him before you laid out the all furniture in an unfurnished home.” With that, Ten got up and threw his iced coffee in the bin before walking away and closer to home.

Three years ago, an opportunity like this would’ve been the best news of his life. Now all that could be celebrated was the increase in his pay check.

-

“I’m back home!” Ten announced the moment he stepped through his apartment door, holding out the bag of cat litter in his hands not to drop it. Two other voices came through and when he entered through the hallway, Ten managed to see both Kun and Sicheng making dessert in their overly stuffed kitchen.

Like always, Kun was always the first to smile whenever Ten got home and the first to ask about his day. Sicheng was then the next thing that came into topic where he was usually cooped up in his room, too fixated on his phone to hear Ten coming home for the night.

Ten never minded their routine, it slowly shaped his life into something more comfortable, something more suited for _him. _His life before was too adventurous, too temporary. Now he knew what his place was.

And it was nice.

“Hey, how was work?” Kun greeted him, throwing him a cookie like every other night, not even bothering to look up from where he was melting chocolate on the stove.

Sicheng on the other hand was completely opposite to his housemate, and rather impassive. Ten knew now that it was really just his own way of saying ‘I love you’ without making himself uncomfortable. Their other friend and Sicheng’s ‘boyfriend’, Yuta, was always trying to break down those barriers no matter the struggle. Ten just chose to stay out of it.

Instead, Ten huffed and threw down his own bag and the cat litter on the floor next to the shoes and dumper himself onto the couch. Milo would come in soon just to smell what the new thing Ten brought home is. “Had a date with Minhyuk tonight, was going well until I got a call from Johnny saying I needed to go back to the office. Minnie was understanding but I still feel _so_ bad.”

Sicheng laughed and brought over a bowl around the kitchen and to where Ten was lying down on the couch. “Sounds complicated,” he said as he spooned a good amount of cookie dough into his mouth, no matter the amount of egg inside the mixture. Ten opened his mouth appreciatively and let Sicheng do so, seeing it as his own way of comfort.

“Sounds horrible,” Kun shakes his head and went back to the chocolate. The male was always making them some sort of dessert just in time for when Ten would arrive home. Most of the time the kitchen is where he’s usually greeted from. You would almost think that he didn’t have his own career to tend to. “By the way, Hendery left some of that bread you liked from the café on the counter.”

Hendery was Ten’s best friend. They hadn’t know each other for a long time but in that time it had been enough. It had been enough for Ten to lay bare the remaining pieces of his heart and allow himself to try one last time for a grain of happiness in another person. Hendery had been there when he called out.

A long time ago if someone had even dared to suggest the possibility of a life apart from the destined prince, he would’ve shook his head and laughed. Now that he was finally in the future, there was nothing to laugh about.

“I should probably call him and say thanks,” Ten murmured, turning his head into the pillows. The couch was way too soft for him to leave his position. His body just would melt right in as if he was a marshmallow in the oven, all warm and squishy.

Sicheng eventually moved away and allowed Kun to bring around the cookie dough cheesecake to the small table where it would be in clear range of Ten’s sight.

“My favourite!” he jumped up.

-

“I’m going to America for two months.”

Kun’s eyebrows shot up the same time Sicheng shot out of his seat, an outraged look on his face.

“You what!” he shouted in Mandarin, not even vaguely aware that Ten would hardly understand what he just said. Kun however, just shook his head disapprovingly and gently placed down his spoon.

He turned to Ten and tried to smile the best he could for his friend. “America? Why?” he asked. Ten wondered what was processing in the back of his mind.

“Taeyong is making his American debut which apparently happens to include a whole fucking tour. They want his fashion specialist to come with him, hence why I will yet again follow him to the depths of hell.”

Both Kun and Sicheng knew very well of Ten’s past with the idolised rapper, even the latter was like a younger brother to him. All three of them had very fond memories of the frail idol, yet one was corrupted by endless motions of pain that he never dwelled on enough to rise into.

Sicheng leaned forward and wrapped his long and cold fingers around his small wrist. In comparison, his wrist looked like it could break Sicheng decided to move his hand one bit.

“Does it bother you, going on this trip with him? Working in close proximity for so long?” the male questioned, holding his breath just enough for Ten to answer him. He huffed and fell back into his chair.

“I’m not a child anymore, I can be mature about things like this. It’s not a problem.”

Sicheng shook his head again. “I asked if _you_ had a problem with it, I didn’t ask if you could do it or not.”

Realistically, if he looked at it with more than just black and white on his palette, he would realise that it wouldn’t be as hard as he put it in his mind to be. He worked with the idol everyday, most days. They conversed fine, sometimes even smiled. He had no bad feelings towards Taeyong, just maybe _no_ feelings at all.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine, I’m okay with it,” Ten looked down to his plate. It was still full with his slice of cheesecake, the one he’d cut for himself so enthusiastically. He didn’t really want to eat it anymore.

“Do you think he will be though?” Kun asked, watching Ten for any reaction. The only thing he got was a sad smile.

He shook his head, not looking up from his plate. “Isn’t this how it all started anyway? He doesn’t even remember me, I’m nothing to him and that’s how it’ll stay.”

_Isn’t this how it all started Taeyong? You forgot about your pretty flower and so I wilted._


	2. ii. trust is fragile like glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoy this chapter, its a bit of a mess and i didn't edit but oh well.
> 
> don't forget to comment and leave a kudos <33

**TAEYONG’S HOUSE, SEOUL**

**9:34 PM**

**JULY, 2016**

Ten tiptoed his way through the quiet house knowing no one but Taeyong would be home. Taeyong didn’t know he was here, he thought he was home alone.

He was going to surprise his best friend with his presence since he said earlier he couldn’t come over. Originally that was true but then he decided to change his plans just for the benefit of Taeyong. He had promised the boy two weeks in advance after all, they’d planned this night.

Trying his hardest not to make a sound on the stairs, Ten quietly moved to Taeyong’s room, even holding his breath for a moment to right himself. He could hear something from the other side, sounded like the shooting games Taeyong liked to play on his Xbox sometimes. Ten already had a bright smile on his face.

“Happy Birthday-” he shouted as he opened the door, hoping to surprise his best friend on his birthday when he said he’d be busy.

The flowers in Ten’s hand suddenly dropped to the floor. He didn’t even see them splatter like broken stained glass.

“I-I’m so sorry, I’ll l-leave,” he stuttered, covering his eyes away from the sight of Taeyong on his bed naked and on top of another male. It was obvious to Ten what they were doing, and he’d just ruined it all.

He didn’t necessarily know why the tears ran down faster than his feet did on the staircase, nor why he was crying _at all._ He could just feel everything inside of him tangle into something so tangible in his heart, he was afraid it would tear out of his skin.

Frantic steps were coming down from right behind him, thunderous to his ears. They hurt to listen to. Taeyong was shouting at him, yelling at him to tell him what was going on.

“Ten. Ten, wait!” Taeyong called out, reaching for his friend to stay. Ten had no place here right now. He knew he wasn’t wanted. He’d had to leave his final dance practice before the year’s performance for this. Both he and Taeyong knew how important this performance was to him. He’d thought it’d be worth it.

Now he was crying and his flowers were probably mushed to the floor upstairs, right outside where Taeyong’s boyfriend was laying. For once, he regretted coming to see Taeyong.

“You know what, Taeyong?” Ten turned around at that last moment, right when he thought he was going to concede and fall into the elder’s arms. The lips were vicious, words poisonous and for once, Ten didn’t even _care_. “Fuck you and your stupid little slut.”

That was the last time he ever stepped foot into that house.

**TAEYONG’S HOUSE, SEOUL**

**2:48 PM**

**JUNE, 2019**

Johnathan had suggested to him to make himself a nice lunch instead of going to the studio. Even Mark backed him up on it, claiming that he’d overwork himself if he rest at least once. They’d basically pushed him out of the building and into one of the company cars, hailing a driver to take him away.

Now that Taeyong lived alone in his own apartment, everything felt…lonelier, bigger yet more confining. No matter what apartment he would’ve looked at, they would’ve all felt the same. Too big.

He’d once asked Doyoung to live with him during a fit of weakness, a drunken state of delirium carrying out his words. He’d thought it was a good plan at the time, even now thinking about it. Doyoung however, was the sort of person who would deny and decline everything too easily, without second thought or remorse. It was almost a shame that he hadn’t thought about it more.

“I need to watch something,” he whispered to himself and walked over to the black TV screen that hadn’t used since the last time Johnny had come over. Even sitting down on his own couch was foreign to Taeyong.

Yesterday, Taeyong had renewed his passport alongside Doyoung and his other managers so he would be able to visit America. He hadn’t been out of the country for so long that he hadn’t found a reason to do so, not even to Japan or China.

Taeyong hasn’t left South Korea for seven years. The last time he went overseas had been to Thailand to visit a friend and even then it hadn’t been for long. He’d been too home sick after a week away that he had to be brought back.

Moments like these just by the bed or sitting down on the couch didn’t come easily. Though the motion was foreign to Taeyong, it wasn’t unwelcomed and that alone set him off on a rollercoaster in his mind.

Taeyong didn’t like to be alone, lonely or by himself. It just made him feel sick. Yet somehow, he had managed a career that spent most of his free time confined in a small studio space either creating music (which technically wasn’t free time at all) or reading. The idea of coming home was never one that Taeyong would have in mind until the very last few hours of the day where his body couldn’t take anymore.

It was ironic to think that he had been the one to do this to himself.

Jaehyun had long ago subscribed his television to his own Netflix account and added another profile just for Taeyong to use. When he ever used it, it was usually on his phone or laptop at the agency building. Now there were too many movies and series waiting for Taeyong to press and watch.

A ring went through the empty apartment, echoing back into his ears. He was used to it by now, the custom ringtone of the song ‘Damn Mountains’ by Brandt Orange. He’d picked it after he’d overheard someone at his agency talking about how it was their favourite song. Taeyong had come to love it too.

“Hello, Taeyong here,” he answered the phone, scrolling through the home screen on his TV. He’d heard The Originals was good, at least according to Johnny.

Someone on the other line cleared their throat. **“Oh ugh, hello Taeyong-ssi. I was calling you to confirm your fitting time for tomorrow with us.”**

“Of course, Cheol-ssi I wouldn’t miss it for the world. 9:30 at the textiles shop by the café right?”

**“Yes, it’ll be just me and Ten-ssi with you.”**

Three people and Taeyong couldn’t even look after himself. “Sounds good. Take care!”

**“Goodbye.”**

Taeyong had heard that you needed to watch The Vampire Dairies before watching the show.

-

“Good morning, Cheol-ssi, Ten-ssi,” Taeyong greeted as he bowed into the fitting room behind the textiles shop. He was familiar enough with the place after fittings for three years.

It had become routine for Taeyong before every comeback to meet with his styling team and take measurement as if he’d changed in the last few months. He could see it in the way Ten’s face turned down every time he walked through the door.

Cheol was the senior designer and head of the department yet most of the time it was Ten who had to deal with management and meetings with the higher ups just for Taeyong. They hadn’t talked about it before but the rapper knew the designer was on his last limbs with him.

“We should get started,” Ten said, clapping his hands together. Cheol merely nodded and brought out the measuring tapes and pins.

No one talked during the whole hour. It was suffocating, especially in the summer where they were confined to a small room with no ventilation. Taeyong could almost imagine the breeze hitting his face when he would finally be able to step out. Maybe he’d even call Seol and go have ice cream with her.

Unsurprisingly, both Cheol and Ten were both very gentle with him as they took his body’s measurements it. They treat him like porcelain, light touches as if they couldn’t bare the thought of stained his skin with anything less than him. Only Ten was hesitant to touch his bare skin at times, looking away from his face each time he did.

Those times Taeyong felt like he could vomit.

The minutes stretched just like the measuring tapes in their hands, each second ticking into five. It felt like a whole day had passed by the time Taeyong was allowed to step down again.

“Now that we’re done, we’ll have to send these measurements to your managers and have them speak with you about your diet,” Ten said the moment Taeyong went to grab for his pants again. His voice was calm soothing as it always was.

He nodded and thanked them, grabbing his clothes before going into the little change room so he could put back on his clothes. Although he had been virtually naked for them before, it didn’t mean he wanted another second in front of their scrutinizing eyes. Especially with Cheol who was older than both Ten and Taeyong and completely built a different way to the two. At least Taeyong could recognise that Ten looked like him underneath all those clothes, skinny and lithe with not enough muscle on his bones. It was one of the only things Taeyong still knew about Ten.

When he came out he found the two designers sitting by the small coffee table with teacups in their hands, most likely discussing Taeyong’s new outfits for his concerts in America. That’s usually when custom clothes were made for their artists.

“Taeyong-ah, come sit with us and have some tea before you leave,” Cheol said, beckoning him over with his hand. Not wanting to refuse, Taeyong politely followed his hand and sat on the only available chair right in the middle of both of them.

“Are you excited to go to America, it’s your first time going isn’t it?” the designer asked. Not knowing what to say, the idol only nodded and picked up the cup of tea Ten had just poured him.

The designer shook his head at his friend, blowing on his tea. He wouldn’t look up at either of them but Taeyong knew he was listening and waiting for his turn to say something.

“I haven’t been overseas for a long time but I’m excited,” it was a lie and Ten knew it was a lie.

He sat up. “Cheol hyung, stop pestering him about these things, you’re only jealous that they invited me to go with him and not you,” he said to elevate the mood, smiling mischievously at the older man to entice him into another topic. Sometimes Taeyong swore that Ten was some sort of faerie of something. He wondered if the male had magic beneath his fingernails.

The man went along with it, laughing back into his seat as if whatever Ten had said had been the funniest thing he’d heard all week. “You’re right, I forgot my place Ten-ah. We should all finish up because both of us have another meeting soon and Taeyong-ie here,” Cheol pointed to him, “needs to go back to the studio and work on his latest album.”

Taeyong didn’t say anything more after that, only a goodbye and a bow when he left the store. It was too warm outside and forgotten to bring an umbrella. It was a bad trait of his passed down through the family where he would burn easily.

He took a step forward into the quiet street, checking right and left for any cars. Taeyong couldn’t even hear anything other than his bated breath sticking to the air. It felt unpleasant on him but he kept walking, closing his eyes the moment he was safely on the other side.

“Taeyong-ssi!”

The shout made Taeyong turn around in spot to discover Ten running out of the shop with Taeyong’s bag in his, something he must’ve forgotten in his hurry to leave. These were the shortcomings he hated most about himself, his anxiety in situations he didn’t like.

He watched Ten cross the road without a smile on his, completely placid as he walked over to meet Taeyong. It was as if they didn’t know each other at all and the thought made him want him want to bite his lips and hope they would bleed.

He reached out for the bag in his hands. “Thank you,” he said and bowed once more, standing up to look at the male.

He hadn’t changed, not one bit. All that had happened was his enhanced beauty. In the eleven years he’s known him, it’s been the same thing, over and over again. Now it was different and Taeyong finally realised what it meant for Ten.

The designer looked at him now, analysing him to the point of discomfort. He felt like he was back in that stuffy room with all those unwanted hands on him.

“Are you excited for your American debut?” Ten asked suddenly, asking the exact same thing Cheol had inside, the thing Ten had told him off for. Maybe he’d recognised that Taeyong would at least answer the question in his lonely company.

Taeyong shrugged, looking to the ground rather than Ten. “Sure, I would love to meet my fans and expand my music. It’s a good opportunity,” he said as simply as possible. But the other male wasn’t having it.

“You hate leaving the country, do they know that?”

A sigh. “I told them that but they wouldn’t listen. I’m just really scared,” Taeyong whispered, not sure if Ten could hear him. Or if he would care.

Ten could hear everything, everyday, every year, their whole lives.

“Guess you’ll just have to get over it,” he shrugged. It was insensitive, but Taeyong had been the same years ago. And Taeyong knew that himself.

**TEN’S DORM, SEOUL**

**10:12 AM**

**JULY, 2016**

“Come on, Ten. Please open the door,” Taeyong begged, slamming on the boy’s door to let him in. he knew for a fact that on the other side of that door was a crying boy in his bed trying his best quieten his cries from Taeyong. The only thing is that they’ve known each other for too long for him not to know what Ten was doing.

He banged on the wood again. “Open the fucking door, Ten. You can’t just hide yourself from me forever!”

People in the dorm building looked at him weirdly when they walked past, whispering to each other about his dishevelled appearance and loud voice. Everyone was so easy to come to conclusions, to judge people they didn’t even know. He guesses that was also him as well.

“Please, Ten, please don’t hide from me.”

Though he didn’t want it to, it came out more as a beg than a plea. Taeyong never had much energy in him, he’d always been a fragile child grown into a weak adult. Sometimes his knees shook and he’d fall to the ground, chest ache and he’d stop breathing. He’s always been weak. Begging for Ten’s forgiveness was no different.

Taeyong didn’t even know why he was here, why Ten was the angry one. There had been nothing wrong that he’d done, no matter how hard he thought about it, he couldn’t come up with anything. Ten was mad about last night but even then, he didn’t know what about.

Yet he still had to try.

“Please,” he breathed into the door, his head leaning against the frame. He could already could feel sleep come back into him. “I brought bubble tea.”

From the other side, Taeyong could hear the slow approaching footsteps, so soft like a cat. He knew Ten couldn’t stay mad at him for long. No matter how long he tried.

When he opened the door, Taeyong didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around him, suffocating him before he could even analyse the damage in Ten’s face. He didn’t want to see his puffy, red eyes or sad downturn on his mouth. His heart already hurt enough being away from his best friend.

Ten was the one who pulled away first, slow fingers prying Taeyong’s hands off him as gently as possible. It was like feeding a lion, not knowing the next moment in time. They both had to be careful.

His face looked too upset for such beautiful features like that. They weren’t supposed to ruined by such destructive emotions. Yet somehow, Taeyong had gone and done exactly that.

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing he said to him the moment they closed the door and sat down together. Taeyong made sure there wasn’t much space between them, no privacy, no hesitation. But still, Ten somehow still seemed upset.

“For what?” he asked, smiling for his friend’s benefit. Taeyong could see all the way through it like he was just made of plastic. He could puncture a hole right through it.

“For making you cry.”

Ten laughed wetly and reached for the box that held his drink, a well recited order that was instantaneous in Taeyong’s mind. Everything with Ten was like a reflex his nerves had memorised a long time ago.

It was silent for a moment between them, even their breaths were bated for a moment too long. There was a line between hesitation and discomfort. Taeyong didn’t know which side they landed on.

“I’m sorry,” he said once more. He kept his head low, letting his light hair cover his eyes. It was nerve wracking to wait for a response from someone who your whole life you could predict their next words.

He was waiting on top of a cliff ready for the wind to blow him away.

As Taeyong looked around the room, he realised this was a place perfectly made for his best friend, a place where he belonged. There were posters of Queen and Eagles on his walls beside some of his favourite clothing sketches. Coloured fairy lights that usually went around a Christmas tree went around his room instead, strung limp along his windows and bed. It was comfortable. You could feel the sleepiness fall over you in here.

Ten looked to him over his soft sleeve, letting his eyes secure their hold around Taeyong. It was so calm, not calming. Taeyong could feel hands clawing inside his throat.

“You don’t need to apologise to me, I just made a big fuss,” Ten finally said, sipping from his straw. He wasn’t looking at Taeyong anymore. The air felt shy now, a bit warmer and little slow. Everything was lagging. “I was simply over reacting.”

He was and they knew that, yet it still didn’t take away from the fact that he had somehow made his best friend upset. Ten wasn’t the sort of person to get upset easily. The last time he’d ever cried in front of Taeyong was when his parents had surprised him with a visit to Korea three years ago.

Just like in Ten’s perfect style, the curtains had been drawn to dampen the room without light. He always had his fairy lights on instead, let them glow around his head like a halo. Right in front Taeyong now he looked like an angel without his wings. It was a sickening sight.

“I still made you upset,” he said.

“I should’ve called.”

“You got mad because you saw me having sex.”

It was the wrong thing to say, watched as Ten’s eyes turned into slits. He placed his drink down.

“Because you never told me you liked boys! This whole time when I had the pain of coming out to you, watching me cry over it for months and trusted you enough with it, you were what, doing the same?” he cried, pointing fingers Taeyong’s way.

He was too shocked to say anything.

“I was upset at you and at myself because I didn’t want you to have to come out by me finding you being fucked by some random stranger. I was mad because you didn’t seem to trust me enough to tell your own best friend that you like boys.”

That was it, that was what Ten agonising over. It was the exact same thing Taeyong been doing to himself for years. He could see it reflected back in Ten’s eyes.

“I couldn’t tell you,” he whispered back, his voice so ashamed to even speak in a place that reflected everything he wasn’t, his best friend who was so confident and graceful in everything he did.

Though the anger died down a bit inside Ten, he was still visibly upset by the notion that the person he believed in the most, the person he gave his whole entire life to wasn’t able to give it back.

“I’m sure there are a lot of things you can’t tell me.”

**RECORDING STUDIO, NEO ENTERTAINMENT**

**8:23 PM**

**OCTOBER, 2018**

“Hello, ambulance? Yes, one of our idols just collapsed and is having a seizure. Taeyong Lee, ma’am. Turn him to his side? The address is 114 Seolleung-ro 190-gil, Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu. Ma’am, he’s frothing at the mouth!”

“Taeyong!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please dont forget to comment about what you thought of the chapter, let me know all your thoughts!


	3. iii. true love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long to give such a shit chapter but i hope you all like it nevertheless! tell me what you think about the chpater in the comments and thank you all for your love <33
> 
> (obsession is legit my obsession now, wtf exo can u stop coming out with the best music in kpop?)
> 
> (ok but suga's interlude is amazing too, credits to my love)
> 
> (savage by ace is the best song)

**SEOUL NATIONAL HOSPITAL, SEOUL**

**12:56 AM **

**OCTOBER, 2018**

Ten sat there in the waiting room, bouncing his knee. The sounds of the doctors running in and out deafened him from reality and all he could think about were the sickly white tiles in front of him. He could feel someone rubbing his back gently, a consistent motion to keep him calm but he couldn’t even concentrate on who the person actually _was._

Taeyong had been admitted into emergency only a few hours ago when Johnathan had been the one to find him having a spasm attack on the floor. Ten had rushed in after them and was so, so scared to see the boy collapsed.

Though Ten had protested and screamed they didn’t let him come into the ambulance car with Taeyong and put Johnathan instead. He’d followed them all the way there with his car, crying behind the steering wheel. He wanted to scream about all the years Taeyong stood beside him, why wanted to be the one next to him in the car.

Now, too many minutes had passed with no news from the doctors handling Taeyong and all Ten could do was rock back and forth praying that something good would come out of those doors.

The fact is, Ten had called the ambulance on Taeyong before, back in their final year of high school. They had been strolling through the streets when suddenly he had collapsed and hit his head against the concrete, cracking skull. He remembers that day so vividly, seeing the bright red stain the walk path underneath them and crying out for anybody nearby to help them. He’d been so scared that day; the red remained with him in his nightmares for months to come.

He thought about that now as he waited, watching in silence as Taeyong’s parents rushed in through those sliding doors with a frenzy he could match. They spotted him and ran to his side.

“Ten! Is he okay?” Taeyong’s mother cried, lip wobbling just like the seat under him. From the corner of his eyes he saw Johnathan stand up from beside him and shake Mr Lee’s hand.

He couldn’t speak.

“The doctors haven’t come out with any news,” Johnathan said for him instead, that same soothing hand on his back. It was only then when Ten realised who was beside him the entire time, who was basically holding him together at the seams. He could feel the burn in his nose. The world was going blurry again.

Taeyong’s parents whose face were sullen simply nodded and chose their seats next to Ten. They hadn’t seen him in a two years and he’d hoped their reunion wouldn’t have looked like this. Not with the harrowing white lights above them revealing every stain on his face, how his hands were shaking on his lap.

He’d hoped to run into their arms with a smile on his face, not when he’d seen their son on the floor only moments before.

“I’d told him the idol life wasn’t for him, I said that he was too weak for this,” Mrs Lee sniffled into her sleeve. “My son was born fragile and remained that way. He’d break bones just by simply falling on the floor. He wasn’t cut out for this competitive career, people are savages when it comes to money, they don’t see that he’s only a young boy with thin wrists and a dream to be better.”

Ten was crying. He’d hated everything she had just said. It was all true. No one cared for Taeyong in this agency, all they cared for was his face and his voice. Who cares if the rest of your body is broken and bruised when your lips are still red and glossy and the skin on your cheeks is still flawless. Makeup could wipe hours sat in the studio working rather than sleeping away, the scar on the side of his cheek by his eye.

“My son told me he wanted to reach for the stars, didn’t matter how he’d get there, he said he could do it. I believed in him, my boy is strong-willed. I knew he could do it. He just did in a way that wouldn’t allow him to see it when he’d finally come and reached them.”

Taeyong once said he’d reach the stars. Ten once said he’d follow him.

**TEN’S APARTMENT, SEOUL**

**5:13 PM**

**JULY, 2019**

“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Kun asked once last time. He stood by the door in a black dress shirt, and jeans. He looked nice.

“Nah, I’ll pass,” Ten smiled to him from the couch, lifting his head from his tablet. “You two have fun though, okay?”

The moment the light from the hallway was gone, he sighed in relief and stared at an empty spot on the couch.

All his friends were going out tonight, most of the company plus personal friends. Ten had been invited, but he’d played off the invite last minute by exclaiming he had a cold and didn’t want to get anyone infected. Well, that was what he had told Kun at least.

It was Taeyong’s birthday party, one thrown not by him, but by Ten’s other best friend, Jonathan. After months of waiting, the male had finally turned 24. He’d already sent a happy birthday text to him earlier in the day.

He hasn’t checked to see if it’s been read or not.

It wasn’t that Ten didn’t want to go, everyone had practically begged him to come just for a fun night out, some simple time to relax and drink. Johnny had been so excited when he’d exclaimed one Friday night that he would think about it, no promises. He didn’t want to imagine what his face would look like when he would see Kun and Sicheng walk in without him.

Ten pulled out his phone and smiled at the lock screen. It was him and Minhyuk holding hands with roses in front of the Eiffel Tower at night. That night had been cliché yes, but also magical. It had been his dream to go there ever since he was little.

**“Hello?”**

Ten smiled. “Hi, gorgeous. Watcha doin’?”

There was a laugh from the other side of the phone. **“Nothing much, just looking through some overdue files before sending them off again. What’s my little cupcake doing?”**

“Drawing.”

**“Me?” **Ten snorted. “No.”

**“Then what?”**

“Hmm, maybe…maybe what I’d look like if you to come here now and surprise me?”

**“What does this drawing look like?”**

Ten paused for a moment. “I’d have to use a lot of caramel tones for the skin. Lots of skin. Maybe a little bit of silk black?”

There was a groan from the other side. Ten laughed. He’d forgotten completely about the party. **“I’m coming right now.”**

“I’ll be waiting.”

**“I love you.”**

A giggle.

“I love you too.”

-

The moment Ten stepped into his workspace, there Jonathan was right at his tail.

“I’d ignored all your texts and calls for a reason, John,” he huffed, walking to his chair. There were new fabric samples on his desk that he needed to sort through.

Johnny didn’t listen. “Why didn’t you come, you promised!” he came over beside Ten and pouted. He was way too big for that. By the look Ten gave him, Johnathan understood that too.

“I didn’t promise anything.”

“You said you’d think about it! That’s like a promise in Chittaphon Land,” he whined. Ten simply rolled his eyes and took up his papers.

“I’m busy.”

“Yeah, busy apologising to me! Your best friend who happened to throw the best party in the world yet his closest friend didn’t even attend it.”

Employers who worked with Ten on his level greeted them both and walked away, obviously not wanting to be in between whatever argument Johnny had started this time. It was a never-ending cycle.

“Don’t you have a job to get to? Like maybe being a goddamn model for this agency?” Ten snipped back, looking at the Johnathan for the first time that day. He noticed the hickey along his neck that he did _not_ want to see.

“They know what my priorities are, I’m down here most of the time anyway.”

Ten huffed in understanding and turned back to his desk. Although not many comebacks were due soon, the overarching stress of Taeyong’s big American debut leaned on him a lot and added too much extra work for him to handle. There were too many outfits and scheduling that needed to be run through with the managers and then concert outfits which he had to design with the team, the sponsorships they had to figure out and correlate with. It was a mess and they expected Ten to deal with all of it. He was the one going to America with Taeyong after all.

“Aren’t you going to America soon for that Vogue photoshoot?” Ten asked Johnny.

“Yeah, why?”

“Are you going back after?”

“In November yeah for an interview and another shoot. I’d thought I go stay with my parents a little while then too,” Johnny replied. Ten nodded. “Why?”

“Maybe during Taeyong’s tour, you could come and stay with us a few days,” he suggested.

There was a pause for a little while, Ten wondered if Johnny was simply thinking about how his two best friends who aren’t close were going on a four-month trip together without any of others. Not even freaking Doyoung to throw his drunk self onto Taeyong, shouting at him to make out with Ten already because ‘if you won’t then I will’.

“I’ll definitely drop by for a few days. After all, I actually _listen _to my friends’ wishes,” Johnathan said. The sarcastic smile on his face made Ten want to throw his bean salad that he made for lunch on him.

“Shut up.”

**LIVRE CAFÉ, NEO ENTERTAINMENT**

**11:38 AM**

**JULY, 2019**

“So…Ten didn’t come last night.”

“Shut up, Yuta,” Taeyong snorted. “I swear I’ll pour this coffee on you.”

Yuta put his hands up in mock surrender and pushed away. “I’m lactose interlorant.”

“That’s not how it works dumbass.”

Currently, the two of them were sat in the café attached to the agency building. Cameras were pointed his way but it was okay, this was ordinary. It was normal and he was used to it. Yuta was the one who hated it out of the two; he didn’t like the intrusion.

Taeyong wonders sometimes why he was always the one who would agree with these table dates when he complained about it each time.

“How long have you know Ten anyways? I heard a rumour that you’ve known each other longer than any of us have,” Yuta wondered, peering over his coffee cup to look at him.

Taeyong froze under his innocent stare. He could suddenly feel all those cameras on his back. He understood what Yuta meant now, it felt like someone’s pinned you into place.

“I know him,” he started slowly, as naturally as he could manage. This is simple, this is easy. Yuta was his friend. One of his closest friends. “We went to the same high school,” he said finally.

He couldn’t do it. Taeyong couldn’t tell him. He hasn’t told anyone. He thought maybe he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone.

Yuta’s brows went up and leaned in, not caring for the videos recording. “Really?” he looked excited, a little shocked. Taeyong thought that would explain to him why Ten could speak Korean so fluently. “Did you guys ever, you know, do it?”

“What? No!” Taeyong shouted, scrunching up his face in disgust. “Why are you always so gross-minded? We only ever talked, that’s simply it.”

Taeyong didn’t really like thinking about those years. Those had been the few when he didn’t take medication yet and he was still having anxiety attacks on the side of the streets, back when he’d faint if he stood up for too long. He didn’t like to think back to how weak he was, how vulnerable and dependant on others he was. He changed for a reason.

He was different and he was proud for who’d become.

“Wow, didn’t know it was such a touchy subject. I simply thought you guys always chemistry. So did all the others guys,” Yuta said and went back to his now cold coffee. He made a face at it and set it down. Taeyong wondered if he’d get another one, one sugar less this time. Maybe a hot chocolate for Sicheng too.

“It’s not touchy, I heard he had a boyfriend,” Taeyong mumbled into himself, closing in. Yuta could see him do it and ignited with worry. He couldn’t do anything with so many people around them. he’d have to take them into a meeting room close by.

“Yeah. I heard they’re in love.”

**TAEYONG’S ROOM, SEOUL**

**10:23 PM**

**AUGUST, 2009**

“Do you think true love exists?” Ten asked to the stars. They glowed back at him. Taeyong smiled in the darkness.

“Of course. Don’t you think you’ll find the right one?” he replied back, turning to his side to look to Ten’s silhouette on the ground. “It’s one of the things about being an adult I’m most excited about.”

He heard a sigh in return and waited. He waited for Ten’s response.

“I guess. Maybe God doesn’t want me to love someone like that.”

“Why not?” Taeyong asked gullibly. If Ten could see through the dark, he’d see the universe in his eyes to match stars on the ceiling.

“What if I fall in love before I become an adult?” Ten said. Taeyong scrunched his nose and laughed. He felt so young like this, having a sleepover and talking in the dark.

“Who could you possibly fall in love with so early? We’d be too young,” he snorted and turned onto his back once more. He heard that sigh again.

The room was ignited with the sound of his blanket being pulled backwards. Taeyong tapped the space next to him on the mattress.

Ten stood up and came to lay beside him without any more words being exchanged. He could feel Taeyong’s warm breath travel down his neck. They fell asleep like that. Silent. The stars glowed above them and Taeyong slept with a smile for the first time.

**SAHS, SEOUL**

**12:06 PM**

**SEPTEMBER, 2012**

Taeyong could feel Ten’s sadness before he saw it, heard it, held it. He watched as the boy ran down the hallway with red eyes and a shaking phone in his hand. Everyone watched him run into Taeyong’s arms. They all pretended they didn’t.

“I-I have t-to,” he mumbled into the fabric of Taeyong’s school shirt. It was wet. “I have t-to g-go back.”

Dragging them to an empty classroom, Taeyong quietly closed the door and led the both of them to the teacher’s chair. He sat down and let Ten climb on top of him, wrapping his body around him. Taeyong rubbed his back the best he could.

“Hey, Tennie, what’s wrong?” he whispered, rubbing his face into the boy’s neck. He always did it whenever he was distressed. He only cried more and tightened his hold around Taeyong’s waist.

“It’s my y­­āy, mum said s-she’s in the hospital. They said,” Ten sobbed, “t-they said her heart condition is deteriorating really fast. They don’t even know if she’s going to l-last the week.”

“Oh Ten-ah,” Taeyong breathed, kissing the boy’s neck over and over.

Slowly, it seemed to calm the boy in his lap down. His heart rate started to slow against Taeyong’s own chest. It wasn’t as painful to listen to. He wanted it to go back to normal.

He pulled back from their embrace and drew Ten’s face in his hands, gently cupping his red cheeks. He stared at his cat-like teary eyes and smiled, a sad and watery smile. But a smile nevertheless for his best friend. Always a smile for the boy in front of him.

Ten smiled back the best he could and let Taeyong hold him. He put his shaky hands around Taeyong’s own and kept them there. His thumbs stroked Ten’s tears away, let them wet his fingers.

He pulled forehead. “It’s going to be okay,” he whispered into Ten’s hairline, kissing every strand that touched his lips. Let his soft hair lull his mind.

“How do you know?” Ten sniffled, the sound so painful to Taeyong’s ears.

Hell would come onto earth before he would let himself see Ten cry again. They were Griet and Vermeer. Ten was his painter and Taeyong was his muse.

“I just know,” Taeyong said against Ten’s forehead and he pulled back. Ten looked at him with twinkling eyes.

They’d forgotten where they were, in a school, in a classroom that would be filled soon. That they were sitting in a chair they weren’t supposed be. Who they were supposed to be.

“Do you promise?” Ten held out his pinkie finger.

Taeyong held out his.

“I promise with all my heart.”

And fate was the one who drew Griet out, she knew. Taeyong didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget a happy writer is a productive writer :) give this fic a kudos and comment if u liked it and tell me what u think <3333333


	4. iv. he's not coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is in a bit of a weird setting since it's mostly in the airport but whatever, this is basically the startig point to the actual plotline. this is the start y'all, get excited!! ready for some angst, some drame, some tears? yassss
> 
> love u all xoxooxoxox

**TAEYONG’S APARTMENT, SEOUL**

**8:47 AM**

**AUGUST, 2019**

Taeyong’s finger hover over the screen for a second. Yet he stared. It remained for a minute. The screen was black by the time he brought up enough courage to press it. He tried it again with shaky hands.

**“Taeyong-ssi, it’s early in the morning,” **a voice greeted him through the phone, yawning right in his ear. **“I wonder what the call is for.”**

“I need help, I don’t know how to pack for any of this.”

Around the room, Taeyong’s perfect nightmare surrounded him in a clutter of trashed clothes and chaos. His suitcase sat right at his feet, sadly empty with no contents to fill it up. He looked around the room desperately, trying to think of _something_. “I haven’t been out of the country for so long, I don’t know what to pack.”

Ten sighed from the other side of the call and the faint rustling of his sheets were heard. Taeyong could hear another voice as well, one softer with sleep. **“Do you want me to come over and help you?” **he asked patiently. Too patiently.

Taeyong could only grin sheepishly, knowing no one would be able to see him as he fell back into his mattress with a _flop_.

“Can you please? I know it’s soon but I can’t do anything on my own,” he sighed, allowing himself to watch the fan above him circle around, hypnotising him.

**“Okay, I’ll come. Can you send me your address and I’ll be there in like twenty.”**

Taeyong looked around anxiously and bit at his lip. “Who are you with right now?” he asked. He couldn’t help it. The clipped breath from the other side alerted him that he shouldn’t have asked.

**“I’m at home right now with my boyfriend, we were about to have breakfast,” **Ten said politely, void of anything else other than information in his voice. Taeyong felt like a child being told off suddenly.

At home, with his boyfriend. He didn’t know what either looked like. He didn’t know anything about Ten. He wondered what posters he had on his bedroom wall, if any at all. What about all his sketches?

“You don’t have to come if you’re with your boyfriend, I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

There was a bit of murmuring on the other side and a little laugh before some silence. Then, **“how about this, me and him will go out for breakfast and I come in like an hour to help you. He’s got some business stuff to attend to after anyway.”**

Taeyong was relieved that he hadn’t ruined anything. There was just something inside him that felt like if he had, it would break already something so broken and used that maybe it wouldn’t be able to be ever mended again. He didn’t really know what that was.

“Ok great, I’ll send you the address and you come whenever you’re done,” he said a little more easily.

**“Great.”**

-

“This is a mess.”

That was the first thing Ten had said the moment he’d walked into Taeyong’s stuffy bedroom. No empty space showed on the floor and all there was were piled upon piles of unfolded clothes thrown everywhere. Taeyong was worried he would start to think that this what his room usually looked like.

Taeyong came in behind him and gulped. “It isn’t usually like this, I promise!” he rushed to say. Ten just grunted and kept looking in front of him. He bent down and picked up a lace top that Taeyong had bought a very long time ago and completely forgotten about.

“As a designer, not only is this place your nightmare, but mine also,” he shivered and dropped the top. Taeyong didn’t know if he should feel guilty or not. “Let’s get to it.”

He picked up the shirt and hid it into his pocket.

**SUVARNABHUMI AIRPORT, BANGKOK**

**5:24 PM**

**JULY, 2016**

“Lisa! Mum!” Ten shot up from his seat when he saw his mother’s car pull up right in front of him. Both her and his childhood best friend came to pick him up from the airport as he came back from Korea.

The two of them were supposed to meet him at the gate when he came through customs but a phone call from the two alerted Ten that the traffic was so bad that they wouldn’t have made it time. He wasn’t so disappointed that they wouldn’t greet him; he’s had it his way so many times he was used to them being there in front of him when he walked through those doors.

He wasn’t feeling like his normal self anyway.

“TenTen!” Lisa shot out from the passenger seat and ran right into his open arms, squealing in his ears about how much she missed him. They hadn’t seen each other in a full year due to the clash with both of their schedules. He really missed her.

They hugged for a little while his mother brought all his luggage into the back, smiling at the exchange. When they separated, Ten turned to her and clung onto her.

“Hi mama,” he said breathlessly. It was that feeling when too much of everything at the same time that it felt like you couldn’t take a breath in. Like everything was speeding up around him.

She pulled away and looked down at him and up, looking at everything into account. She looked proud of him, something he’d never seen before.

“My Chittaphon,” she said, bringing him back to her chest.

Before they left, Ten made sure to send Taeyong a quick message that he’d landed safely and was with his family. He didn’t wait for the response before he turned to Lisa again.

“Tell me everything.”

**INCHEON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, SEOUL**

**2:30 PM **

**JULY, 2016**

“Are you sure you have everything?” Taeyong asked Ten one last time, checking over his bag like an overprotective mother. Ten wondered if all this fuss was to make up for what happened between them, as a way of distraction.

Ten didn’t really know if he liked it or not.

He sighed and set and a hand on Taeyong’s, trying to calm him down. When he looked up, the older boy’s eyes were frantic as if they had lost an edge. They looked shiny in the way they usually weren’t.

“Tae, I’m fine,” he said calmly, trying his best to soothe Taeyong. “I’ll only be gone two months. You won’t miss me much, okay? This way you have more time to go to the studio and do what you like.”

It was the wrong thing to say, Ten saw it in the way Taeyong’s face recoiled and his teeth bit blood from his lip. He looked betrayed and hurt, as if he couldn’t believe his best friend was capable of saying that.

“I don’t need time in the studio, Ten, I need you! You’re leaving me,” Taeyong exclaimed. He threw his hands in the air not aware of the stares it was drawing. “Just admit it Ten, you’re going purposely so you can get away from me.”

Is that what Taeyong thought? “No I-”

“I’m supposed to be your _best friend_, for fuck’s sake. It’s you and me against the world, Tennie,” Taeyong said with tears in his eyes, down his face. All Ten wanted to do was to close the distance between them and wipe them away, whisper sweet things in his ear to calm him down. But he couldn’t move, something inside him stopped whatever he could do.

So he simply watched Taeyong break down in front of him with sad eyes.

“You’re not supposed to leave me, I doubt you’ll even text me when you land,” he cried, he broke. “What do you want from me? I’ll give you everything, just don’t go. Please.”

They were silent for a moment. The whole airport quietened down in those few seconds, everything dulled down into just the two of them. It was just Taeyong there in front of him with free tears staining his face red and Ten holding onto the bag Taeyong was holding before. The world thought for a second he was thinking, doubting himself, reconsidering. The world held their breaths with hope as Ten looked at Taeyong kind eyes and smiled.

“It has nothing to do with you, I want to go see my family. Not everything revolves around you Taeyong. I’ll text when I land.”

He left Taeyong there, without a goodbye, without an ‘I love you’. He simply just vanished right in front of his eyes.

**INCHEON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, SEOUL**

**2:30 PM**

**SEPTEMBER, 2019**

Taeyong was anxious, he didn’t think he was ready for this no matter how hard he tried to prepare himself for the trip. He’d tried everything the internet could provide about fast anxiety relief, what travelling overseas was like, if he’d like it. He’d put faith in those words written in front of him, studied them like a bible.

They were past the security now, past all the excited fans hearing the unlikely news that they would finally see their favourite idol in the airport going to expand his reputation. The whole of Korean media was under fire just by his tour news and debut.

He sincerely hoped it would pay off. He really didn’t know if he could survive four months away from home.

“Taeyong, are you alright?” one of his managers asked as they approached the gate. It wasn’t as busy as he’d imagined; many seats were vacant. He looked over to them and smiled.

“What, yeah, I’m perfectly fine,” he said, puffing his cheeks a bit. “I think I’m just a bit hungry.”

Ten apparently overheard them and pointed to the café next to them. “We can go eat something there if you would like?”

Maybe it was because Ten could tell behind Taeyong lies, or maybe it was because he was simply hungry, but Taeyong complied and followed the head designer into the café without the rest of the team behind them. They all decided to go sit by the gate instead.

Ten went for a custard tart and chai latte making Taeyong frown. He got two macarons and an iced Americano. Though he was a bit apprehensive, together they went and found a small table right at the end. It felt a bit calming knowing that the rest of the crew wouldn’t be able to see them from this angle.

“Taeyong-ssi, are you okay?”

He held his breath, eyes closed. In and out. Why does he feel like he’s been in this situation before? Where everything is disoriented, all on its standing point. Why was there never something, _someone_ to pull him back down?

Taeyong opened his eyes again.

“Are you going to keep calling me that for the rest of the trip, Ten?” he snapped, picking up his drink. He was angry. “I didn’t forget about the how many fucking years where you chose to drop the honorifics, but it seems you did.”

Ten looked affronted, like he didn’t expect the outburst. By the colour on his cheeks, he didn’t know how to respond either.

“We’re going to be spending four months together, the least you can call me is hyung,” Taeyong grumbled and starting eating.

Now that his little outburst was over, the blush that reached his face came in record time and all he wanted to do was sink right into the floor and away from Ten’s observant eyes. It made him want to bit his lip and watch it bleed. It was a bad habit of his that he’d gotten rid of a long time ago, when he learnt to control his emotions into a small bundle rather than letting it burst.

Nothing else was said during the rest of the time, just the occasional stare to the other before looking down without being caught. Ten tried to speak at one point but by the cough Taeyong made, it was clear that maybe he shouldn’t.

It was only as they were collecting their stuff to leave that he spoke.

“Taeyong-ssi, ah, hyung. I’m sorry, okay?” Ten started of hesitantly, wavering in his voice. Taeyong turned to him and stared, looking at his face.

It wasn’t much different to what it looked like before, he just matured in the right places. Where his cheeks used to be full and red, they were smooth and allowed the sharp lines of his cheekbones and jawline to show. His eyes grew up too. There was a shine in his eyes that hadn’t been there before, a place for understanding and patience. Something that took years to learn and acquire.

“Just promise we go through this without any bumps,” Taeyong said and drew out his pinkie finger, just like old times. Ten saw it and couldn’t help the bubbly smile that was let out on his lips.

Between them, they made a promise, a push and pull to who would give out first.

“I promise.”

**INCHEON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, SEOUL**

**2:30 PM **

**SEPTEMBER, 2012**

It took less than a moment for Taeyong to find him within the crowd racing out of customs, he could see him. He was greeted with a large smile and wide arms.

Ten ran to him and cried in relief when he could suddenly feel himself relax. The arms around him only tightened and held him closer, impossibly nearer to Taeyong’s beating heart. It was running at kilometres an hour.

Taeyong didn’t want to let him go. Ten didn’t want to be let go. He liked it here, being held by someone he knew he could rely on.

“Ready to go?” Taeyong asked once they stood apart, one arm still around his best friend. Ten smiled to him and nodded, walking without saying a word.

It was hard finding anything remotely nice to say, Taeyong’s presence was the only thing that was somewhat able to tamper down the bile in his throat. Though the funeral had been the week before, all of it still replayed in his mind, every moment in his life he spent with his grandmother. It never _stopped_.

“Should we get something to eat before we go home?” Taeyong asked them as they passed a café on the way to the bus.

Ten tried a smile. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

They entered the shop and were greeted with the warm smell of baked food and coffee. It reminded Ten of the days when he and Lisa would help out with her uncle’s coffee shop back home. He really wanted to be happy when he thought back to those sort of memories.

“What would you two gentleman like today?” the lady asked kindly behind the cashier, a wrinkled smile on show. They greeted her back.

“One raspberry tart and two macarons with two iced Americanos please,” Taeyong ordered for them, winking at Ten from the side as a little attempt to cheer the boy up. It worked.

“Mhm, I love berries so much,” Ten moaned when they came and sat down at a table, making Taeyong laugh into his drink, squirting coffee out from the lid and into his face.

Ten laughed and laughed and momentarily forgot about all the trouble back at home. All he coud focus on was the coffee covering Taeyong’s cheeks.

Taeyong felt so happy when he saw him smile.

**INCHEON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, SEOUL**

**11:49 PM**

**SEPTEMBER, 2021**

Ten waited. He waited. For hours, he sat there watching as people came in and out, greeting their loved ones, as they smiled and kissed and hugged. He waited because he’d said he would. The whole day he sat there, not looking at anything else. Hendery came at one point and sat there with him to give him water and food, then he left. Then Johnathan came and stayed with him. All he ever heard was their sighs, their unheard advice.

“He’s going to come,” Ten kept on repeating, saying it enough times so even he would come to believe it. Like a mantra it went on replay.

He sat hours in a plastic chair and prayed, hoped, trusted that Taeyong would come through those doors with that perfectly smooth smile on his face, that butterfly scar crinkling up with the impact.

Johnny told him it was midnight. He felt the tears falling down his face then, he couldn’t stop them. He wanted Taeyong to come and do that himself. He just wanted to look into his eyes one last time if he couldn’t forever.

“Ten, come one, let’s go home. I’m sure Kun will make his best batch of hot chocolate,” Johnathan urged, rubbing his back delicately. Ten was still staring at the international sliding doors, waiting for them to open.

_He’s coming, he said he would. He told me he never leave us. He said we’d be happy._

“Come home to all the people who love you, Ten. Come on, he’s not coming,” he said. No one was here anymore, just them.

_He’s not coming? Does he not love me?_

“Ten, come home.”


	5. v. friendships can be made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's another update since i've had so much time to write, my norenmin chapter is coming out soon as well. get pumped!!

**SAHS, SEOUL**

**8:23 AM**

**AUGUST, 2008**

“We have a student who comes all the way from Thailand, please introduce yourself,” the teacher said as she went through the role for the first time, going through their names. Ten was next as he stood up nervously and looked around at the rest of the class.

He was only twelve and he wasn’t supposed to be in this grade. The miscommunication between the schooling in Thailand and South Korea however, caused this to happen. So he stood there, centimetres shorter than everyone else and shaking hands grasped together so tightly that anyone else wouldn’t be able to see it.

“Hello, my name is Chittaphon but you can call me Ten to make it easier for you all,” he bowed, looking to the teacher as well. “I hope you will take care of me.”

There was a boy who sat beside him, just as small as him but much thinner and more fragile. His big eyes glazed over Ten the whole lesson, biting his lip anxiously every time the boy would look his way and he’d pretend that he was listening to the teacher instead.

Taeyong was scared to leave the classroom the moment the first bell rang for the next class and everyone practically flew out of their chairs to the door. The only other student left behind was the Thai boy next to him.

“You’ve been staring at me the whole lesson,” he said, turning to finally look at Taeyong in the eye. “Have I got something on my face or something?”

A flustered Taeyong’s eyes were darting everywhere around the room except at the boy. He could feel the hot red wave flush all up his neck and into his face by the sudden attention he wasn’t ready for.

“M-Me?” he questioned, trying to his attention to anywhere else. Taeyong was worried he’d only embarrass himself even more if the boy would see how jittery he was and would find him too weird to talk to.

He didn’t want to make a bad impression.

“Taeyong right? That’s what I remember anyway,” the boy said calmly and held out a hand in front of him. Taeyong stared at it.

Was he supposed to shake it?

“I’m Ten,” he introduced himself, all confident now that the rest of the class was out of site. This was his true self coming out right in front of Taeyong, someone he didn’t know at all.

Taeyong was scared, yes, that was true. He would always be weak and anxious about every little thing. But this boy right in front of him, Ten, he was seeing his weaknesses and choosing not to comment on them because there were other features about Taeyong he focused on. Things that he considered important.

No one had considered Taeyong important before.

Hesitantly, he put his shaky hand out and looked up into Ten’s eyes. They reminded Taeyong of cat’s eyes, slit-like and dangerous.

“I’m Taeyong.”

**DANCE ROOM, NEO ENTERTAINMENT**

**12:03 AM**

**JANUARY, 2017**

Ten liked to dance. Many people didn’t know this about him. If he had to compare to anything, he would put it right beside designing as his passion. The only difference was that this was his little secret.

He remembered the first time he went to a proper dance studio after begging his mother for weeks straight. He was little then, naïve. That was the time he simply watched and enjoyed the performances, admired the way emotion was perceived through the moves.

Then he grew up and it became it so much more. It became a competition of the best. It wasn’t about what looked pretty and what made him happy, it was about whose arm was the straightest, whose toe curled the most. It became ugly, true faces started to come to play.

Ten took a minor of dancing in university, tried to keep his childhood dream alive. He studied poses and moves and turns and styles just for a piece of paper at the end.

Sometimes, he’d look to Taeyong and wonder how he’d gotten so lucky to be in his dream spot of life. The boy was untouchable. Producing music for one of the best music agencies in the whole of Asia, even going as far as debuting as a rapper under their name. He had everything Ten wished he had, the chance to prove himself to the world.

“Don’t you think it’s late, Ten?” Taeyong came through the door and closed it, slowly approaching his friend. Ten smiled at him with tired eyes.

“Give me ten more minutes, then we can go home,” he tried, moving to turn on the music again. Taeyong sighed and went to take his seat against the mirrored wall.

Music coursed throughout the whole room and into his limbs. The song ‘LIKE I WOULD’ by ZAYN played from the speakers and he took his position.

_Hey what’s up, it’s been a while_

_Talking ‘bout it’s not my style_

_Thought I’d see what’s up_

_While I’m lighting up_

_It’s cold-hearted, cold-hearted_

Taeyong watched him the whole time as he moved at exact timing with the beat, a contemporary hip-hop piece that Ten had choreographed with Taeyong themselves when they were bored. It was like his whole body shook each time the rhythm of the song climaxed and dropped and a new turn to the song began.

It was mesmerising to see.

“Come dance with me!” Ten beckoned him over with his hand, the music was quickly starting to approach the final chorus. Taeyong smiled and jumped up.

Together they danced together in the mirror, laughing as they switched positions and crossed legs around each other. The music started over and they went through the whole thing side by side.

They forgot about the hour by the time they came and packed up. It was only when Taeyong went to check his phone that he saw how long they’d really been dancing.

“Ten, it’s one in the morning!” he squeaked, eyes wide.

Ten snorted and threw his bag over his shoulder, drawing Taeyong out of the room before turning the light off and locking it. He looked to his friend one more time before heading to the direction of the carpark.

“I’m tired, let’s go home.”

**LAX, LOS ANGELES**

**7:56 PM**

**SEPTEMBER, 2019**

The masses welcomed Taeyong the moment he stepped out of the airport, camera flashes all going off continuously in his eyes. He could see everyone, but he wasn’t taking in any of them. He couldn’t hear anything but a near buzz.

One of his managers was pushing him closer to the car, security guards pushing people out of the way. Taeyong wanted to call out for them, ask if they were alright. The hand between his shoulder blades however remained.

It took a long time, he felt like it wouldn’t stop. Eventually, they did arrive to their car and were all shovelled into two large black vans. He could see all the fans shouted from his black-tinted windows.

The door slid shut and the noise dulled a little in his ears. Taeyong was just staring straight ahead; he was scared to do anything else.

Ten was shaking his shoulder. Taeyong over and saw his speaking, but he couldn’t hear anything. It was just that constant buzz. Ten talked a little louder.

“Are you okay?” he said loudly, catching Taeyong’s ears. They were moving now, he could feel it in his seat as they slowly parted the masses. The driver was in the front shaking his head.

There were hands on his arms, hot flashes against his sensitive skin. Taeyong saw that it was one of his senior managers. They were keeping him steady. Apparently, he’d fallen down from his seat, faint in the moment he didn’t have on his belt.

He didn’t really know. He felt like vomiting.

A lollipop was pushed between his cracked lips, forcing him to suck on it. The hand stayed there right in front of his face, zeroing all of his concentration onto one spot as he let the sugar seep down his throat.

Slowly, the ringing in his ears started to fade and he didn’t feel as dizzy as before. By the time he looked, they had already arrived at their hotel. One of the staff was rubbing his back and he fell back into it with his eyes closed.

Everyone stepped out first then helped Taeyong get up. “I can do it,” he insisted, but no one cared. His voice wasn’t loud enough to be heard. Ten stood there behind him with a frown on his face.

Waldorf Astoria stood proudly in front of them with the setting sun behind it. If it weren’t for the way he was feeling, Taeyong would’ve stood there to admire the picture right in front of him, maybe send it to Johnny or Yuta and brag a little.

Staff helped him along the steps and the security was all around them. The lollipop still melted on Taeyong’s tongue as he tugged on his arms to be let go, walking wonkily to the reception.

A manager came up to him. “We’ve already got our rooms so we can just go up,” he referred to the bags behind them. “All the luggage can be left here and they’ll take it up after us.”

A nod was the simplest thing Taeyong could do without feeling sick again.

**NEO ENTERTAINMENT**

**11:13 AM **

**OCTOBER, 2017**

“Welcome our new intern just out of school, Kunhang.”

The office clapped for the young male, bowing to him just as he did to them. Standing behind all the workers, Ten could faintly see the boy’s wide smile that filled the whole entire room. Everyone apparently was just as mesmerised by the show as him. People were whispering about the boy’s good charms, how he glowed in a room full of people. Ten just listened and thought about all that was said.

The boy was allocated to Ten to take him around the office and show him around. He stood in front of Ten all excited and happy, like a dog wagging its tail between its legs.

“Hi, I’m Kunhang but people usually call me Hendery!” he greeted him with a clumsy handshake and it made him laugh, covering his mouth to muffle the sound. Hendery saw it and smiled even more.

He took the boy around the office for the main staff, advertising, finance, design, real estate. Then he took him up to the dancing studios and showed him the trainees working with choreographers, idols taking small breaks in the hallways. Ten introduced Hendery to Seulgi and Sooyoung briefly before moving on downwards to the meeting rooms and consultation rooms, the design studios.

“This place is so place is so big!” Hendery awed out loud, not seeing the slight smile tugging on Ten’s mouth.

He led them to the elevator and waited for it to come up. “It’s confusing at first but you get used to it, it’s basically like a high school you have to get familiar with,” Ten explained and stepped inside when the sliding doors opened.

“Where are we going now?” Hendery asked, looking at Ten so intent and so engaged that he couldn’t help but press the button to the different way he was intending to go.

“The recording studios,” and that mesmerised Hendery enough to quieten down and keep his mouth open the entire time.

When they reached the lowest level, they entered a whole new world where the lighting was dimmed and less people roamed around the place. To Ten, it looked like an excuse for all their producers to create a man cave at work.

“This place looks like an IKEA showroom,” is what Hendery thought it looked like.

Ten shrugged and walked forward, beckoning him to follow. “This is where all the magic is made so, honestly, I don’t blame them.”

Many of the rooms were empty at this time of day, especially when there were other errands to run. Only one of them was occupied and as much as Ten didn’t want to walk in, he felt that Hendery would want to meet him.

“Hyung,” he called out loudly so Taeyong would hear him over his headphones.

The rapper turned around in shock and saw the two of them standing by the door watching him work. Had it been anyone else he would’ve asked them to leave.

“Hello,” he greeted them politely, bowing in his seat. Hendery did the same, that same enthusiastic energy greeted towards the idol.

Ten stepped forward and nodded to Hendery. “This is Hendery, he’s the new intern here and I just wanted to show him around the studio.”

Taeyong looked at the two of them for a moment and just watched the way they interacted with each other. The boy had a certain energy Ten could never reciprocate but appreciated dearly whenever he was welcomed to it. Taeyong could see that.

“Would you like to hear a sneak peek on the new song I’m making?” he asked kindly, pulling out his earphones so the young intern could listen to it. Ten looked over Hendery’s shoulder at him and mouthed a thank you, smiling slightly to Taeyong for the first time in what felt like forever.

All Taeyong could do was nod and watch as the boy thanked and thanked and thanked Taeyong all over again. He thought Hendery could somehow make Ten happy in the way he didn’t. So he prayed that night, for the first time in a long time, he prayed for the boy to live a better life than what he was given.

It wasn’t hard to say that he wished for Ten to be happy anymore.

**RECORDING STUDIO, NEO ENTERTAINMENT**

**8:35 PM**

**JULY, 2017**

“I’m sorry I can’t, okay?” Taeyong argued back, packing up all his belongings from the studio. Ten stood in front of him with crossed arms and an angry face.

“And why not? You’ve known longer me than any of those people, do you seriously want to go out and celebrate your birthday with people who aren’t as close to you than I am?” Ten shouted at Taeyong, not understanding Taeyong’s point of view in the argument.

Today, like every other year before, was the first of July. Taeyong’s birthday. Again, like every year before, Ten and Taeyong were supposed to go out together.

But plans change.

Taeyong turned around against Ten and pushed at his chest causing him to stumble against the wall. He could see the anger behind Taeyong’s eyes.

“Do you think this is my choice? Do you think I want to go fucking spend time with old hags just because they ‘work’ with me?” he spat. “I’m doing this to impress them, this isn’t fun time, Ten, this is _work.”_

“Oh, so what, I don’t know what work is now?” Ten shouted back. He was offended by what Taeyong had said to him. The obvious implication that Taeyong had it harder than him was very thick in the air and on his tongue. “Do you know how fucking hard it is to do all the work for your fucking supposed ‘best friend’ in the background while he gets all the credit? Everyday, I watch you sit pretty and smile to your fans while I sit in the back room making sure that the reason why all your fans gush about your beauty remains intact!”

Taeyong was so evil. “Oh, so now you’re jealous, huh?”

“It’s not about jealousy, Taeyong, it’s about fairness! It’s not fair! You complain about how hard it is to be an idol and how you do this and you do that, but that’s the problem. You’re so self-minded that you can’t even look around you to see what you’re doing or maybe what you’re friends are going through,” Ten said. Against Taeyong’s stare, and with his back to the wall, his breaths were getting sticky and harder to control. He felt like there was a switch somewhere deep inside of him, one that’s been hiding for so long that it was almost long. Ten longed to turn it off and let it all out.

Faint beats of music from the studio next to them sounded through the walls, occupying the otherwise silence between them. Taeyong was looking at Ten while Ten was looking to the blackened window. They were supposed to outside now, going to some bar to laugh off the day and talk about whatever. So Ten could give Taeyong his birthday gift when they would go back to Taeyong’s after.

None of that was going to happen. Ten knew that all three of them, Mark, Yuta, and Johnny, were waiting outside for Taeyong to come out so that they could leave. Taeyong didn’t want Ten to come. Because of his colleagues, he says. He’s known Taeyong too long not to easily pick through that lie.

Ten sighed and looked to the silver necklace around Taeyong’s throat that held a pendant of a flower crown on it. He had gifted that to him on that day three years ago when he told Taeyong he looked pretty in them. Ten was almost surprised that he wore it still.

“Why don’t you want me to go out with you and the other boys for your birthday?” Ten asked, defeated. Taeyong bit the inside of his lip and pulled at his bag.

“I told you, it’s all business,” he said and came to hug Ten briefly. His own little way of an apology. “We can have the whole apartment to ourselves all of tomorrow, okay? You come in the morning and you can stay for the night with me.”

“Okay.”

When Taeyong left, Ten could hear the sounds of their laughs from his office, their gleeful shouts of “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” and the snickers directed to the building.

He pulled out his phone before any tears could fall and smiled as soon as the person picked up.

“Hey, Minhyuk-ssi, it’s the guy from the bar you gave your number to. Yeah, I think I wanna reconsider that offer on the date.”

**KAROAKE BAR, SEOUL**

**9:52 PM**

**FEBRUARY, 2018**

A solid number of twenty-five people had been invited to Ten’s birthday gathering, one of them being Taeyong right in the corner of the large room with a warm beer in his hand.

Ten stood in the middle, a cocktail in one hand and the microphone in the other. His friend who Taeyong had only met today, stood beside him with her hands in the air, screaming the lyrics into the sky rather than her microphone.

“She’s pretty, isn’t she?” Mark leaned over to say to him when he came over and sat down. Unlike Taeyong, Mark was in a position to admit that he was drunk as evident from the slight haziness in his eyes.

Taeyong snorted and smiled into his beer mouth, taking a sip from the stale drink. Although it didn’t taste so good anymore, it distracted his mind enough to look like he was actually doing something else other than staring at Ten’s back the entire time.

“She’s a famous idol you dumb ass, of course she’s pretty,” he retorted. He was right, Lisa Monoban was indeed pretty and also a much more popular artist than either of them were combined. While Taeyong’s success was majorly in Asia and Mark was his rapping junior, the group Lisa was in became a hit internationally.

“You think they have a thing together?” the boy wondered, taking a champagne glass from a passing waiter. Taeyong shook his head and thanked the person for Mark.

“Did the alcohol make you forget that Ten is not into vaginas, Mark?”

“Ah yes, true dat.”

It was Johnny and Taeyong’s turn apparently. That’s what Doyoung said when he dragged him up from his seat right into the middle. Someone, he didn’t see who, took his warm bottle and swapped it with a new shot glass instead. Everyone cheered him to drink it.

Johnny picked the song for them. ‘Take Me to Church’ by Hozier. It was Taeyong’s favourite song. Everyone booed when they saw it and argued about how sad of a song it was. Johnny simply just gave them all the middle finger and smiled to his partner.

_My lover’s got humour,_

_She’s the giggle at a funeral,_

_Knows everybody's disapproval_

_I should've worshiped her sooner_

_If the Heavens ever did speak_

_She is the last true mouthpiece_

_Every Sunday's getting more bleak_

_A fresh poison each week_

Taeyong didn’t like to sing often, he thought it ruined his voice box for when he wanted to rap. When he got little fun opportunities like this however, it was easy to let go of himself in a room full of his closest friends. These were people he could trust and let out his insecurities to, it was okay to have fun for once.

The crowd applauded as soon as the last beat dropped and there were whistles and catcalls and laughs and it was just a happy environment to be in. Taeyong could see Ten by the door clapping happily, no trace of malice in his eyes. It made his heart beat a little faster, his cheeks turn a little darker under the dimmed lights.

“Who knew mister TY Track was such a vocal,” Jaehyun whistled, Doyoung clapping for him right beside his boyfriend. Johnny laughed and patted Taeyong on the back, guiding him back to a seat.

One that was right beside Ten.

“You were good,” Ten said quietly, too low to be heard under the loud music. Taeyong only heard it because of their close proximity. It made him smile into his shirt, eyes crinkling from the sudden pressure.

“Thanks.”

Hendery and YangYang were rapping to a Post Malone song now, then Kun and Yuta singing a Taeyeon ballad which was immediately followed by Yuta whining when Sicheng was pulled up by Mark to sing a One Direction song. People were enjoying themselves tonight.

“You look really pretty tonight, Taeyong,” Ten said after a while, still standing in his position. He didn’t even look to Taeyong once, his eyes were on the middle the entire time. “That silk shirt suits you. I think you should wear it more often.”

Taeyong didn’t know what to say that. How did one react when the person you once you used to call your soulmate called you pretty? He was glad no one could hear them.

“Are you drunk?” he questioned Ten, looking at the male closely. His makeup was smudged around the eyes and mascara made him look tired. Taeyong wondered for a moment if he was.

Ten shrugged sheepishly and turned to Taeyong for the first time. “Maybe.”

Taeyong snorted and picked up the shot glass Mark came over to offer him. He could at least be a little more drunk for this.

“Should I abuse that to my advantage?” he wondered as he tipped back the burning alcohol. The taste made Taeyong want to automatically throw it all back up. He kept it down however, he was used to the taste by now.

Again, Ten shrugged and simply smiled. “Maybe you should,” he replied. Taeyong smiled and looked to the time. **11:46**.

“Who do you think is the prettiest person in the room?” was Taeyong’s first question. Another round of shots were offered to the both of them and they accepted, watching the other as they drank it in one go. They smiled at each other again.

Ten thought for a moment then pointed his finger around the room slowly until it returned and pointed to Taeyong’s own chest. Though he was a little surprised, he gratefully accepted it and asked another.

“Are you happy that you became a designer?” Taeyong knew the answer to this. Ten knew he knew.

“I am but I sometimes wish I could be a dancer instead.”

“Am I annoying to work with?”

Ten laughed but the music masked its volume. “Of course, you have the most bizarre size measurements, it’s almost awful having to make clothes for you.”

It was nice to be able to laugh with Ten instead of making him cry, it felt like a passage to the past. And it felt so _good._ Taeyong discovered early that good things always come to an end.

“Do you miss me?” he asked as his final question, right as it was to turn midnight. Ten’s face morphed into one of confusion and cocked to his head to the side.

“Of course I don’t, do you? Aren’t we just so much better like this, apart?” he said, and that’s when Taeyong’s smile fell. No one was able to see under the fairy lights.

**WALDORF ASTORIA, LOS ANGELES**

**9:20 AM **

**SEPTEMBER, 2019**

Unlike his condition the night before, Taeyong felt much better in the morning. Especially when the staff ordered room service breakfast for him and told him to take as much as he wanted to get ready. They were supposed to have a meeting with Capitol Records at 2:30 so they had plenty of time to relax and settle in. They’d be in LA for three weeks after all, the city of his first concert.

Managers came in at around ten to check up on him and run down on the schedule. They told him they were to have lunch outside and video blog it. Taeyong agreed though he didn’t like to be under the lens of a camera in public, it made him feel nervous.

Only two people were coming with Taeyong to the meeting. One of them was a manager and the other was the Head of Advertising at Neo Entertainment.

The whole team was downstairs when he walked down into the dining area where the breakfast buffet was being served. He greeted everyone and went and grabbed a chocolate croissant. He went over and sat down next to Ten.

“Good morning,” he said. The others bowed to him and asked about his condition, how he was feeling, if they had to go buy something.

“Do you still feel sick?” one of his younger male managers asked, fork in his mouth. Taeyong laughed kindly and shook his head. Everyone sighed in relief, happy that he was back to his charming self again.

“Sorry about the scare though, I think I just had low sugar levels when we came out of the airport,” he lied easily into his pastry and saw Ten look up from his omelette with a frown. Taeyong looked down before their eyes could meet.

“Who wants to go to a nice restaurant with Taeyong tonight so he can vlog it?” his main manager asked. Many people put their hands up gracefully, all except Ten who was still very invested in his food.

Everyone was arguing about what restaurant was best but all Ten did was sip his coffee, wondering what they were all talking about. That got the manager’s attention when he smiled and pointed at him to say “Ten will go.”

The male looked up to see too many pairs of eyes staring at him with awful grins on their faces. “Where am I going?” he asked.


	6. vi. time never stays still even when you ask it to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back bitches, ready to dominate the fanfiv world. make sure leave a kudos and a comment telling what you think about the chapter <3333
> 
> hope i didn't screw anything up

**LOS ANGELES**

**7:23 PM**

**SEPTEMBER, 2019**

“I hate burgers,” Ten stated when he looked down at his plate, annoyed. Taeyong had to bite down on his tongue not to lash out.

Instead, he smiled tightly and nodded in a try for understanding. He looked down to his own food and wondered what was so wrong about it, what part looked so unappealing to Ten’s eyes. Maybe it was the overly gooey cheese or the soggy tomatoes.

He looked back up and set down the vlogging camera the staff had given him. It was turned off for the moment.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I had no idea. What else do you not like?” Taeyong questioned, trying his best to make polite conversation. He had no idea where to start and where to end. The whole meal had been awkward to say the least to the point people around them had looking at them for they weren’t speaking much. Even the waiters asked if they were waiting for another person to arrive before Taeyong politely denied it and just asked for some more water.

Ten thought for a moment, eyes glazed over. He couldn’t see Taeyong silently admiring him. Wouldn’t know what he would’ve done if he had.

“I hate fruits with a passion,” he said after a while. Taeyong was surprised.

“You used to love them,” Taeyong fired back, sitting a little straighter. To watch Ten change right front of his was disconcerting.

Ten frowned and picked a chip, dipping it in some tomato sauce. “Well,” he said before he popped it in his mouth. “People change, Taeyong.”

_Yeah, I can see that, _Taeyong thought but said nothing, instead opting for a calm silence while they ate. Taeyong didn’t offer him a different meal, a swap or anything. He didn’t think he wanted to in that moment.

After a short while, the rapper seemed to remember the whole purpose of going out with Ten and picked up the camera so he could record himself. He pressed record.

“The food is good, I’m almost done eating,” he showed his milkshake, “I got a chocolate one just like always but I probably won’t be able to finish it.”

“Today is our first full day in LA, just plenty of practice and meetings. I don’t think any of my tyongfs would be interested in any of that either I would’ve taped it. My manager told me earlier tofay that I had to buy some souviners for some of the staff back home so that’s what we did and now I’m hungry.”

“This place is nice, I might come here another time. It’s so close to the water, it’s really beautiful.”

Rambling on about nothing just to fill time up in the roll, Taeyong finally finished his food and turned off the camera once more so they could leave.

“We should take you somewhere so you can record it,” Ten suggested but didn’t look at him. He was too busy texting someone on his phone. The frown on his face wasn’t directed to him for the first time.

Taeyong wondered who it was.

“The beach?” he suggested, hoping Ten would look up. The person on the other side seemed to be important enough that even when Taeyong talking straight to the man, Ten didn’t seem to care. At this point Taeyong almost thought Ten had forgotten about him.

No one spoke as he kept typing whatever on his phone, letting Taeyong’s suggestion hang unheard and unanswered in the air. It was only after he pocketed the device that he took in the words and smiled politely to the idol.

“The water sounds like a lovely idea.”

-

The water was warm when they dipped their toes in, the salty waves lapping over their feet with a controlled sensation that made Taeyong smile to the moon. His arms were free by his sides, camera in Ten’s backpack.

Taeyong hadn’t been able to enjoy the luxury of the beach for many months due to his busy schedule and constant travel around Korea to do different programs as a way of justifying the fact that he didn’t go outside of Korea instead.

It was nice to be alone for the moment, away from a lens and people who were aiming to dissect every piece of him just to make money. It felt _nice_ even with Ten by his side sighing into the air like if he did it enough, all his worries would dissipate with them.

“I heard this beach has jellyfish,” Ten murmured to the sky, filling the space between them with something other than the faint traffic noise. Taeyong just snorted and kicked his toes up to flick water. It hit Ten with a satisfying scowl in payment.

“Yeah, and it has sharks too.”

Though he didn’t intend to, Taeyong had managed to earn himself a small giggle out of Ten, so faint he was sure it was just a passing car. But the smile on Ten’s face remained and that was how he knew.

Something shifted between them in that moment, Taeyong didn’t know whether it was a good change but it was one nevertheless. It felt a bit duller, like the air had reduced itself suddenly to just less. It was harder to breathe but it also settled Taeyong down at the same time. It was making him tired.

“I think we should try and be friends again, Ten,” he whispered hesitantly to the boy, looking at him and not to the ocean. He wanted to watch the moon bounce off his skin rather than the water. He felt their beauties could never compare. “We can’t live like this. Like we’re just complete strangers.”

Ten tensed under his words, all of it held in his shoulders. Taeyong wondered if he could breathe or not, if he should step forward or backwards. He could see the fleeting panic flashing through Ten’s face, a procession of understanding and then acknowledgement coming after.

One thing Taeyong had learned through their many years of friendship was the fact that Ten wasn’t ever an overly emotional person. It was only when the male got overly flustered or upset that he seemed to show any sort of reaction. It was always either a fight or flight response for him.

“Ok.”

So when Taeyong’s asks Ten this, he was surprised yes, but not unprepared for it. Like when Taeyong left him in the pouring rain to go see his manager, he didn’t cry about it and instead just walked home without an umbrella. When he forgot about Ten’s twentieth birthday because he was out having an ‘inspiration day’ with his co-workers, Ten simply smiled and went to sleep without taking out the cake from the fridge.

There was a lot of bad blood between the two, spilled blood crusted black on the sidewalk. These were stains never to be removed and permanently damaging whatever was left underneath.

But like all those times, Ten would simply smile and look to Taeyong, gazing at his eyes like he’d never done before.

**SEOUL**

**8:34 PM**

**SEPTEMBER, 2017**

He’d been waiting for an hour already. Three waiters had come to him to ask if the other person would be arriving or whether he would be dining alone. Ten had smiled so nicely each time and said he was still waiting. They stopped coming after a while and gave him the menu to occupy his time.

The phone sitting nicely on the table had almost lost all charge with the amount of times he’d checked it, whether it be the time, for any texts or his appearance. Every time he got a text from Johnathan or Kun he became overly excited thinking it was _his_ text. Each time he was left disappointed.

In the end it didn’t matter because exactly thirty minutes into the second hour, Ten received a short message from Taeyong, the one he’d be waiting for all this time.

_Sorry, I have to cancel, my manager wanted to have an emergency meeting xxx_

Ten’s hands began shaking as he read and reread the message over and over, trying to gauge something out of the simple words. Maybe why it would’ve come after almost two hours. He didn’t even notice the blood spilling from his lip until he tasted it on his tongue.

Instantly, he put his hand up to the waiter before he could process anything and smiled widely when they came over.

“Ready to order, sir?”

“Yes, can I please have a look of your most expensive bottle of wine?”

It’s awful that Ten has complete access to Taeyong’s credit card.

**TEN’S DORM, SEOUL**

**11:19 AM**

**FEBRUARY, 2016**

“How is Johnny’s birthday more important than mine?” Ten pouted and threw himself on his bed when all Taeyong did was laugh and shake his head.

“You’re the most important person in the world, Tennie! Yours will always be most important.”

That didn’t seem to convince the boy and he whined again, pounding the mattress like a toddler with a tantrum. His bracelet jangled against his wrist and reddened his skin with each impact just like Taeyong’s face watching him.

“Johnny’s birthday just happens to be before yours,” Taeyong added as he finished wrapping the gift the two of them were supposed to give to the twenty-one year old at his party later on. They were just chilling in Ten’s room right now, as per Ten’s insistence.

“But his gift his so cool!”

“It’s literally just the blender he forced us to buy,” Taeyong humphed, finishing his wrapping so he could fall back next to his best friend. Ten turned to him with curious eyes.

“Yeah, a good one!” he always had a response for Taeyong. Taeyong flicked his forehead and grinned when he heard that yelp of pain.

The two of them had met Johnny last year when Neo Entertainment had approached Taeyong on campus. Apparently, they’d heard a sample of his music and were captured by his new style that they thought would be a perfect edition to their sound crew. Of course, with all his looks and rapping abilities considered, they went and took him through additional casting and brought him in as a trainee.

That’s how he met the residential American model, Johnny Suh. Through association, Ten was introduced as well and the three of them really caught off. Both Taeyong and Ten took an overwhelming liking to the model and spent much time with him. From there, they’d met other people like Yuta and Sicheng and the rest of the friendship group.

Today wasn’t supposed to be a big thing because Johnny said it wouldn’t. If it had been, Taeyong wouldn’t have gone and only insisted Ten go alone to have fun. But the birthday boy had assured him that it wouldn’t be anything large and only for a few close friends.

“What will you get me for my mine?” Ten wondered, his head slotted right beside his, ears touching. Taeyong could feel the warmth radiating of Ten’s cheeks and it gave him the urge to move away his hair.

“Anything you desire,” Taeyong said back and he brought his hand up to meet Ten’s halfway. The pressure between their palms caught in his throat and willed himself to breathe. In the last coming months, Taeyong has started to realise how difficult it was starting to be whenever he got close to his best friend.

Ten wanted a new speaker, one that was loud enough so he would be able to play whatever music he wanted in his room. Ever since his best friend could afford buying himself one, he’d been using it for his own and kept on complaining about it. Taeyong already has his present wrapped with a bow and card hidden in the depths of his closet, somewhere he was sure the other boy wouldn’t be able to find if he came snooping one day.

“It’s a surprise,” Taeyong said again. He wondered whether Ten knew already or not.

Right next to him, his best friend was shifting around on the bed until his hair sat on Taeyong’s shoulder and his face was turned towards his own.

“The number twenty is a big year, imagine that this will be our best year together!” Ten exclaimed. He nudged his nose against Taeyong’s, eyes on his lips. He could feel the breath on his temple, soothing away any doubts about not having a good birthday.

“I’ll make it good, don’t worry about it,” Taeyong whispered. His voice got lower in Ten ears, sending a flush of something down his neck. He wondered if Taeyong was cold as well.

“The question is how drunk will you allow me to get on my birthday?”

Taeyong laughed and bumped his forehead against Ten’s chin. “Until you don’t remember whether you slept with your best friend or your pet fish the night before.”

“I don’t even have a pet fish!”

**TEN’S APARTMENT, SEOUL**

**6:45 PM**

**JULY, 2018**

“Do you think he’s alone?” Ten asked, balling the soft blankets into his fists. Kun sighed beside him and stroked Ten’s soft hair. Sicheng sat there in Taeil’s arms, cuddling into his boyfriend’s chest.

“Ten-ah, he has many friends and family and he’s a freaking idol for god’s sake, I’m sure that he’s with someone,” Kun replied back to his friend, adjusting the air con above them so Ten would be more comfortable under his blanket. It was too hot for that but none of them questioned his comfort source and instead let him.

“I think Yuta said he’d cancelled all their plans together because he was spending the whole day with his family,” Taeil supplied, smiling the best he could to relieve Ten’s consuming stress it was starting to affect the rest of them, how Sicheng would squirm under the mention of Yuta’s name. Kun could only smile for so long.

This didn’t help Ten however and only caused him to slide further into the soft blanket. Something wasn’t right to him.

“Taeyong doesn’t like spending his birthday with his parents, though. He always believed it made him feel so guilty whenever he did so he stopped it when he turned eighteen.”

It was true, Ten had been there that day when they’d stolen some of Mr Lee’s money and gone out the whole day by themselves to the carnival that had opened for the month. It was the first day of the festival when they went. Ten even remembered their red faces when they were met with disappointed parents by the door.

Ten could feel tears starting to burn the tip of his nose and he clenched his hands to his heart, willing the blurriness in his eyes to go away. Tears never helped him, only made him look pathetic and it wasn’t worth it.

“Taeyong’s going to be alone,” he cried into his hand and tried so hard to keep it in, feeling small under the stares of the other people in the room. Why would they even care?

Someone cursed under their breath and he felt arms slide around his waist. Why was Minhyuk here?

“Baby?” the man came from the door and immediately dropped right in front of him on the floor, keeping his hands around Ten. “Everything’s fine, you don’t need to cry over silly things, okay?”

Ten nodded and let him bring their chests together in a tight hug. From here, he could smell the spice from Minhyuk cologne and welcomed it.

“Whoever you’re talking about is perfectly fine, have faith in them,” his boyfriend spoke, soothing the pain in Ten’s chest a little at a time. “All you need is faith.”

Ten didn’t see Taeil standing in the corner with Sicheng, worriedly texting Johnny to see if he could check up on Taeyong.

**TAEYONG’S APARTMENT, SEOUL**

**7:01 PM**

**JULY, 2018**

Taeyong was alone for his birthday, just the way he’d planned. He’d told Yuta and Johnathan that already had plans with his parents. Then he’d done the same thing to his family. Called his sister and received a lively birthday wish but that was all.

Now he sat in his bed with the lights dimmed all the way until the room was almost black. He was crying with his knees drawn to his chest and cradled himself, all on his own.

Just like he wanted.

He wondered what Ten was doing at this hour, maybe clubbing or hanging at home with his friends. He’d heard from Johnny that Ten had moved in with Sicheng and Kun as a recent arrangement. Taeyong wondered how it was working out for him.

No one had seen him at all today; he’d called in to the agency to say he was sick. He texted his friends later mentioning that he wasn’t _actually_ sick but rather with his parents, out.

The only ‘out’ Taeyong had been the whole day was to the bathroom and back. He hadn’t even eaten anything other than the health bars he had sitting beside his bed. At one point Taeyong had run to the toilet to vomit everything he didn’t have in his stomach, acid ruining his mouth as he gagged into the sink.

Most of the day was him sleeping in his bed with the blinds closed completely. Other times involved him curled up on his mattress playing games on his phone until the battery ran out.

But now he was crying, the whole day’s events had finally caught up to him, all his past mistakes sitting heavy in his stomach.

Each time the bile would rise up into his mouth, so would the regret. He wondered what he would be doing differently today if hadn’t made so many flaws in his life.

For the first time in ten years, Taeyong hadn’t seen Ten once the whole day of his birthday and it was taking a mental toll on his body and emotions. It was like he was having a breakdown repeatedly.

His phone was dead now; it sat beside his pillow on his bed. Taeyong couldn’t be bothered to charge it and check the incoming messages of meaningless people wishing him a happy birthday. He didn’t _care. _He wondered if any of them had even known had it not been for all the attention from the fans.

The silver necklace around his neck fell heavily against throat, almost like a bell to signal Ten’s presence. How desperately Taeyong wanted to do that, to reach out to the man and hold on tight. This time he would never let go.

Taeyong remembered the day Ten had told him how beautiful he looked with a flower crown woven in his hair, how angelic he glowed under the soft sunlight. It was how his own cheeks matched Ten’s pink ones and he looked down, a pretty smile on his face. He’d wanted to wear them every day afterwards.

Though there had been many times he had wanted to, Taeyong had never taken off the chain in case it would get lost. That was his biggest fear.

However, tonight was the first time he had. The weight against his skin just felt like too much of a torment, a shameful reminder of a friendship he used to have. His body rushed with heat every time he touched it.

So he took it off, even if it wasn’t for long, Taeyong cried till his throat was raw and could sing no more. It hurt him to see the gleam of the precious metal detached from him as just another possession and not as a part of him. He had to throw it into a drawer to keep it out of his vision, to calm down his nerves.

He was going to see his niece tomorrow, she’d make him a flower crown to wear like she did every time she saw him. It started the first time he told her in confidence that he liked to feel pretty in them and liked to feel the petals against his fingers. She’d been young then, young now.

Ten would most likely send him a birthday text like all the others harbouring on his phone. It would be dull and emotionless, words that could’ve just not been there at all.

Because after everything Taeyong did, Ten didn’t care, why would he?


	7. vii. new beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long to update, life was just a bit of a mess. but NEO ZONE!!!!! ITS SO FREAKING GOOD. this is an update in honor of the 530k+ preorders of neo zone.
> 
> don't forget to leave a comment and kudos, thanks babies xxxx

**CHINA TOWN, MELBOURNE**

**12:45 AM**

**MARCH, 2020**

Ten didn’t notice that it was raining, not even when the water was heaving down on his leather jacket. The streets were too silent for a Thursday night in the city and he hated it. Even cars that passed by didn’t pay any attention to the fighting in the side alley.

“Why do never tell me anything, Tae!” he screamed and stomped the puddle forming between them. Taeyong was standing there with his tears mixed with the water, completely silent.

This fight, like any other of their fights, started from a lack of communication. Like he was now, Taeyong had been quiet for too long and fuck, Ten just wanted some god forsaken _noise. _All he could ever hear was fucking static.

“You and me… you and I are supposed to do this together. We’re supposed to be one, right? Until the end of time?” Ten kicked the puddle again, voice growing louder. He wondered if someone would come tell them off, maybe someone gone out to take a quick smoke, someone sleeping above them.

This trip to Australia had been purely for them, the two of them. No one else. Just Ten and Taeyong, best friends and partners in everything. That’s what Ten thought. This was supposed to be their time off from the real world, to launch themselves into one that welcomed them better, loved them more.

But Taeyong was still silent, even now with his head low. His newly cut hair was sticking to his temple and all Ten wanted to do was smooth it out, run his hands through the silver locks. “Answer me!” Ten shouted instead, because the person who was supposed to love him wasn’t even _loving_ him now. Something was wrong.

“I risked everything for you, my education, my career, my dreams all to be beside you. I gave up so much for us so we could stand out here and smile. But why aren’t we smiling, why am I not in our bed now with you by my side?”

There was an answer, but it was too silent for Ten to hear. He didn’t understand what Taeyong’s mouth was moving for. “Speak louder for fucking once in your life.”

“I received a death threat yesterday!” Taeyong finally snapped, walking quickly until he was in front of Ten. His chest was rising fast, as if he couldn’t breathe. “They said if they saw us two ‘faggots’ roaming around together again, they’d kill us.”

In the moment between then and the next, every drop of rain registered in his mind, deafening his perception to the rest of the world. He could only watch as the man he used to call a boy once cried about something he never thought in a lifetime would happen to them. Maybe to each of them individually, but never, ever as a pair.

He was dumbfounded, even as Taeyong stood in front of him crying with his whole body shaking. His shirt, his hair, his pants, it was soaked and stuck to his small body. He saw the mascara he applied only hours before running down a river on his cheeks, unblemished with the rain running it free.

He’d thought it’d never come to that.

“Oh, baby,” Ten wrapped his arms around Taeyong, taking in the harsh smell of his cologne mixed in with rain. It was a harsh step into reality to realise how comforting the smell could be, how it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

None of them were particularly strong, neither physically nor mentally. They were seen as weak in the media, frail and disposable if it came to it. To receive something like that was just confirmation of horrible world the two of them could face, both together and alone.

**WALDORF ASTORIA, LOS ANGELES**

**12:13 PM**

**SEPTEMBER, 2019**

The sun was high above the clouds by the time he came back to his room to relax. He could feel the droplets of sweats sticking to his skin, afraid of the running water in the background. Taeyong was only checking his phone on the bed when the knock to the door came. “Who is it?” he asked on reflex in Korean, waiting for a response.

“It’s me,” someone responded, Ten’s voice muffled through the door. Taeyong checked his naked chest in panic and quickly ran to turn of the water. There was only one shirt thrown on the floor, the one he picked and stuffed himself into as he ran to the door.

The door opened and then there nothing between them, only air. Ten was smiling slightly from the quick response and the dishevelled appearance he was greeted with. A random green shirt was worn inside out.

“Hi,” Taeyong panted against the door. He tried his best to smile to Ten and not show the erratic beating in his chest but he felt that it would’ve vibrated already from his heart to his hand to the door he was leaning on.

That was when the moment of hesitation came in. Though they’d established only a week before that they would try and be friends again, all hadn’t gone much to their plan in moving forward. It was almost like they were cemented right into their present.

Today, Ten decided he wanted to try for his own happiness’ sake, not just Taeyong’s. He wasn’t as selfless as he made out to be. He wanted something for himself as well.

When Ten woke up this morning, he couldn’t help notice the single crack in the paint on the ceiling. He’d stared at it thinking what such an imperfection could be doing in a hotel like this. He wondered whether it should take away from the whole value of the hotel, a small impurity in a sea of vast perfection.

That’s what he felt standing in front of Taeyong now. He was more than a small crack in the paint, or a simple impurity in a gem. Taeyong was someone who Ten considered to have destroyed his life and turned it upside down. But injuries heal and the scar becomes smaller as everyday passes.

Too much time has passed by for Ten’s scars to heal and now he had Taeyong standing right in front of him all flustered with his silver hair all smattered. Even his wounds yearned to be what they used to be with him by his side. Even if Ten himself didn’t want to admit it.

“Did I catch you at a bad time?” Ten asked, awkwardly rubbing his sweating palms on his sweatpants. He refused to look anywhere other than the view from the window behind Taeyong’s shoulder. It was lost when he shifted on his feet and obscured the view.

Taeyong rubbed his arm sheepishly, looking to the floor. Ten could see Taeyong shaking in his spot, small nervous shakes that he used to get a long time ago. He was still smiling however and Ten tried to focus on that.

“Well,” he said, “I was about to go to the shower.”

In a moment of understanding, Ten felt embarrassed for intruding on Taeyong. “Oh, I’m so sorry I’ll just go,” he said so suddenly, jumping away from the doorway and into the hallway. His face was red even when Taeyong gripped on his wrist and pulled him back in without a second thought, shutting the door behind them.

“N-No, it’s okay. You just sit out here while I take a quick one,” Taeyong said, hand still wrapped around his wrist as he dragged to the large bed and forced him to sit on it. Now Taeyong was hovering above him in a position of power, smiling anxiously before spinning around on his toes and heading to the bathroom.

No one talked as the water sprung back to life, or as Ten could hear Taeyong strip down his clothes and hit his elbow against the sink, or as he heard the glass door of the shower open and swing close. He didn’t dare move even as Taeyong seemed to forget his presence and unconsciously start to sing, lost completely in the droplets drowning his ears.

Ten recognised the tune and the lyrics. He knew that song very well. It was the song all those years ago the two of them choreographed a dance to. He felt his heart catch in his throat as Taeyong’s voice trailed around the whole hotel room, riding on the imaginary breeze fluttering around them.

Halfway through the song it changed, the melody in his voice, the time and tone. It changed to a new song, one that was much rawer and chilling on Ten’s skin. Taeyong was rapping in the shower.

_Keep it in mind, that the lies will try and split us apart,_

_The trials will try and kick us, but at times like those, just focus on me_

_In the darkness, just we are enough inside the empty lies _

_If we are together then even this endless maze is paradise_

The water stopped with Taeyong’s voice. It was then when Ten noticed all the condensation building up in the room, covering the mirrors and window. The bathroom door had been open the entire time.

“Ten?” Taeyong’s soft voice called for him, rising him off from the bed in an instant.

“Yes?” he answered.

Taeyong came out of the bathroom with a fluffy robe wrapped around his body, making him look smaller than he was. Under all the water and his towel, Taeyong looked like a young boy again, red eyed and nervous.

“I forgot you were in here for a moment,” he said sheepishly, hiding his face into the robe with the excuse of drying it. Ten let it go.

“I could tell.”

Taeyong looked beautiful with the sun shining against his wet skin, that hesitant smile Ten had never seen much of in his life. It was truly exhilarating to see the boy he’d shared most of his life with peeking into a new person right in front of him. Ten was afraid that with becoming a new person, they’d also leave everyone in their past behind.

Because damn, confidence was sexy on Taeyong. “Well I mean, I think you’re really blessed then. You just got a free concert of me and VIP tickets as well,” he laughed naturally and let that smile go, opting to find new clothes instead.

A necklace hung from his neck as he bent down to reach for his suitcase, a small pendant of a flower crown strung on it. It looked worn and comfortable, something that even Ten with all the years they’ve been working together, never noticed much until now. It was simply a part of Taeyong, things that aren’t inherently noticeable.

“Why do you still keep wearing that?” Ten asked before he could stop himself, laying back and watching Taeyong change with his back turned to him.

Taeyong tensed for a moment, keeping his face away from Ten’s sight. “Because you gave it to me and it’s one of the only things left that I have from the past,” he muttered. Ten was surprised that Taeyong wanted to remember what was back then.

“Why would you though? The past was horrible, you have so much of a better life now.”

Anyone could see in the way that Taeyong turned around, madness in his eyes not directed to Ten but himself. “Because my life now isn’t any better, Ten. It’s horrible to be lonely and have people surround you not like a safety net, but like a fucking cage,” Taeyong said, trying to get Ten to understand.

“I lost my best friend a long time ago, yes, and I accepted that. I didn’t deserve him, I know that. I have fans who love and cherish me, I see that. I have friends who care about me, I’m around them all the time because I feel so cold all the time. But the thing is, Ten, that those fans like me because of my face, because of how cool my music sounds, how cute I look in clothes. My friends use me to get a name, show a better image of themselves. What if they find out I’m gay? People will kill me, Ten. What if they find out I don’t want to be famous? They’ll ridicule me until I hate myself. It’s horrible out there and it is no way in any shape or form better than what I had before with you and my family and my friends and my passions.”

No one cried, not a sound or a heavy breath. Taeyong proceeded to put his shirt on as Ten played with his thumbs, thinking about all the seconds that passed. The ghost of the shouting filled his mind, taking up the air around him. Little tendrils of tension rose from his body, wrapping to create a protective blanket against Taeyong. He refused to look back down.

Suddenly Ten was reminded of a day many years ago where he’d discovered Taeyong in bed with another man, how upset he’d felt in the moment. Even now, that pain was indescribable to define, it was just too random and sudden. Ten only remembered the horrible words he’d spat out afterwards, the headache erupting in his mind.

Years later and finally now he knows that it was heartbreak that night. That was what caused the tears and the hurt, the words and harshness in his face.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to the ceiling, one completely unblemished unlike Ten’s. It wasn’t hard to breathe, but hard to think. “You pushed me away, I would’ve been there for you if you had let me.”

Taeyong looked sad and extremely heartbroken. That sweet voice singing in the shower before had completely evaporated with Ten’s ungodly presence. He felt terrible for making Taeyong looking like that.

Ten went to open his mouth before Taeyong could. “Look, you know I’d never try and hurt you on purpose. I don’t want you to be upset for the rest of the day because of me,” he said, sighing into his hand. Being in a hotel, there wasn’t much chance for there to be noise around them. Between the two of them, it was just still. Not even the clock seemed to move its handles.

Today had originally been planned for a day out before an interview with Teen Vogue and Billboard. Knowing how much Taeyong would miss Seoul, Ten had put it on himself and the begging he had to do to his managers to take the idol out to a very personal and in depth lunch in Korea Town.

“I wanted to go out with you today, go have lunch and have Korean barbeque or something,” Ten told him. He hold his breath waiting for Taeyong’s response. Seemed like he didn’t have to hold it for too long.

“Ok,” was the response, like a rubber band snapping back. It was instantaneous and it brought a smile to Ten’s face. Suddenly the sun was brought back to shine into the room.

It was beautiful.

“Okay,” Ten said back. Breathing new air was such a relief.

**TAEYONG’S ROOM, SEOUL**

**10:13 PM**

**APRIL, 2016**

Two boys growing into young men lay on the blanketed floor, staring up at the remaining stars Taeyong hadn’t packed up off his ceiling. They were side by side, breathing the same air all entangled in a circuit of lights together. If one light was to stop working, the rest would follow.

“Tell me that story of the boy who fell in love with a demon,” Ten asked at one point, dragging his teeth on the breath between them. It hung low on their chests, waiting to be cast back up to their cheeks. Taeyong turned his head to stare at him.

Closing his eyes, he let the ghost of all the glowing stars take him to another universe.

“Once upon a time there was a boy who was kind and handsome. He aimed to make the whole class laugh if that was all he did. He came home to a shouting father and a red-faced mother. No one was to notice the deep bruise marks on his thighs. They were invisible to the rest of the world.”

“This boy grew up to be something more than he could’ve ever imagined; his own person. He went to school and got a degree, found a love who was to cherish him for the rest of their days. But happiness is frivolous and dissipates with the dust at sunset.”

“The boy started to feel things he never should’ve, thoughts that plagued his mind and stuck to him like an illness. The words and images wouldn’t go away and slowly, he started embracing them. they became the foundation of his life.”

“This boy was to grow up to be a serial killer. He murdered dozens upon dozens of people just for the fun of it. It was all because he could. That was _his_ thrill, his passion. Nobody could take that away from him.”

“But then eventually even the best of things can come to an end. They arrested him, locked him up, and sentenced him to capital punishment. He was killed on live TV within months. But his life didn’t stop there.”

“It’s a cruel joke to make Hell a nicer place than Earth was. That’s what the man thought, couldn’t believe all the luck he’d granted himself for the future. He even met a boy down there, one that caught his eye like no other.”

“This boy was special. Do you know why, Ten?” Taeyong asked, briefly breaking up the story to open his eyes again and stare at him.

He saw Ten smile, all teeth in the moonlit night. “’Cause he was hot?” he joked, earning a laugh out of Taeyong.

“No, because this boy was no dead soul with wrongdoings like the man himself, but he was a demon. A guardian of the city.”

“Woah,” Ten gasped right as Taeyong smirked up to the dark ceiling.

“I know, but what was more was the fact that the two of them had already met while the man was still alive. The only thing was the fact that he couldn’t remember it. Didn’t remember the fact that the demon boy had already loved him for so long. Fate made them meet again.”

“The question is; are you allowed to love someone after everything you’ve done? Are even criminals deserving of second chances? Is the demon who has everything to stand against love, allowed to cherish the one thing he wants?”

Ten didn’t like to think about the years ahead of them, the possibilities that lay behind each day and hour. Things could erupt with a twitch of a finger, the bat of a butterfly’s wings. To wonder what was waiting for him in the future was a daunting act in itself.

One thing he did always think about however, was what type of being he’d be. Whether he’d be a good person or bad. Was he worthy of second chances or were they even necessary?

It was a good thing that Taeyong still hadn’t packed away the glowing stars, Ten thought to himself, then he wouldn’t be able to focus on the fixation in his eyes. All he could see were how Taeyong’s wide eyes mixed in with the darkness of the room and all the sparkles reflected in them.

Ten didn’t say anything for the rest of the night. He only pretended to be asleep on his side when Taeyong rose up to check up on him, tightening his eyelids when he hovered over Ten’s face. Eventually, storyteller sighed between the two of them and laid back down, thinking of all the things Ten would never be able to hear out loud.


	8. viii. if pain doesn't hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's an interesting chapter for all my supporters and the ones who just started reading this now, i love u all xx
> 
> enjoy and don't forget to leave a comment as well as a kudos, it would really make my day <333
> 
> happy self-quarantining and please enjoy my little note to the corona virus
> 
> WARNING, homophobic slurs and violence :(

**SAHS, SEOUL**

**11:23 AM**

**MAY, 2012**

Circles were emerging but not on his paper. People surrounded him, laughing like he had suddenly become a circus animal for the amusement of others. In a single moment he was exposed and left bare to be criticised. It was all too sudden.

Lockers opened and closed and yet the students didn’t leave. Clutters of friendship groups gathered into their own little bundles and stared right through him as he wasn’t there to listen.

“We don’t want faggots like you at our school!” one boy shouted and Ten could feel the burning in his nostrils the moment the round of animalistic ruckus followed after it. Everyone apparently seemed to agree.

“Why would anyone want to fuck an ugly pig like you in the first place.”

“You should go and kill yourself, you’re disgusting,” someone spat onto his face and left him to wipe it off.

Ten tried to ignore them, their words and their burning gazes. He eyed the random pieces of paper stuck all across the school with his photo on it. His sole purpose was to find Taeyong and go back to safety. Maybe then they could go report it to the teachers and it would stop. Students might be reported.

He couldn’t find Taeyong. In the midst of the pushing and pulling students who kept breaking his bones down, Ten realised that Taeyong was in the middle of a very important meeting involving a the biggest opportunity to receive an accredited scholarship to go the most prestigious music school in all of the continent, maybe even the world. Ten told him he’d wait.

Instead, he ran out of the school and past the rusting gates. Through the smoggy streets he threw himself forward. His heart thundered against his chest the longer he ran against the opposite direction of the school and his dorm but he couldn’t bare the thought of it now.

Ten found himself in a park, darkening with the tall branches and their thick leaves. It was quiet except for the peaceful thrumming of the fountain in the middle of the grounds. Unoccupied in a busy area of Seoul Ten realised and he sat down, not on the bench painted with rotting timber but on the damp grass. He felt himself falling back and breathing in for what he felt like was a long time.

The grass beneath him was too wet for Ten to realise he was crying. Alone and in a park, a high school student had run as fast as he could away from the people who were hurting him. It was ironic to think about.

The sole purpose of Ten transferring into South Korea was for him to have a better life, that was all his parents wanted for him. And it worked for a while, he was happy to be able to display his talents at a school selected for him and friends that cared for him. It was freeing for a time.

Yesterday that time came to an end.

Someone had leaked a photo of Ten at night with one of his friends. It was an anonymous link. And they were kissing.

Ten hadn’t realised until today how wrong he’d been about the little world he’d built for himself. He realised no one cared for him. That there was nothing to care for. It ached to see the friends you’d made over years of friendly talks and smiles suddenly fall through your fingers like water onto sand in a desert.

People posted horrible comments, they didn’t even care who it was about, only that their words needed to get out there into the world. The photo was reshared and passed around until the whole cohort and grade in all the schools around had seen it. They didn’t know who Ten was, only looked at the comments below and laughed, adding their own little art pieces to the collection.

Taeyong hasn’t seen any of it yet, thankfully. Ten didn’t want him to be ashamed of being his friend. It was an irrational fear yet it nagged so badly at the front of his chest that it didn’t even matter if he was lying on the grass in a secluded park too far from school.

The guy in the photo called him only an hour after the post was shared and told him to never call or text him again. That wasn’t even the worst part. He’d threatened to tell his parents if he ever mentioned his name in the post.

The boy had supposedly been Ten’s boyfriend for half a year but suddenly even that didn’t matter anymore. The call had ended with bile rising in his throat and his words choked through all his salty tears he couldn’t control. The boy just told him to stop being a girl and to ‘man up’. He hung up without even saying farewell.

They’d said their ‘I love you’s’ only two weeks ago, in a park just like this. It’d been a magical moment for him at the time, he couldn’t stop gushing about it to Taeyong the moment his boyfriend had dropped him off at his dorm and kissed his mouth then cheek goodnight.

Ten was crying from that disgusting feeling of betrayal and heartbreak. He didn’t know how he was going to bring himself up like this, it felt so impossible to pick up every shattered piece off the ground, disguised in the grass where so easily you could cut yourself. He was choking but nothing would come out, just louder betrayals and gashes into his heart.

Ten had never felt so disgusting in his life.

-

The first thing his noticed was that it was dark. Somehow, the feeling of the grass tickling the sides of his face calmed him down as he watched the wind blow at the leave above his eyes. He felt the goosebumps rising on his exposed arms, following the direction of the delicate branches. Petals soared up into the sky around him and he breathed in.

He breathed in again and heard the incessant ringing of his phone. He hadn’t realised it was on. There was a moment of absence where he didn’t remember anything and let the ringing go through. The night sky was once again silent.

But Ten realised painfully that the ringing had started again and that the reason why he was alone in a park at night was not because he simply wanted to be.

Taeyong’s name appeared on the front of his phone. With hesitant fingers, Ten reached for the screen and pressed accept.

He took a deep breath in and threw the rock he was holding into the fountain. “Hello?”

**“Ten? Ten! Fuck, I’ve been trying to contact you for five hours!”** cried Taeyong, something painfully caught in his voice. He was crying and it was all Ten’s fault. He could feel the bile rise high again. **“I thought you were dead!”**

“It’s okay, I’m okay,” he tried to say as cheerfully as possible, but this was _Taeyong._ He’d been hurting himself before on the sole idea that his own best friend would hate him. He didn’t sound cheerful, not even a little.

**“Where are you, tell me where you are. Please,” **Taeyong begged, **“I need to know.”**

Ten looked around him and tried not to vomit. It was starting to feel scary. He didn’t want to be alone. The trees didn’t look pretty anymore and the fountain didn’t sound calming anymore.

Ten started to cry. “I-I don’t know, Taeyong, I’m i-in a park. I ran too far.”

On the other side of the line there was someone talking to Taeyong behind the receiver. The words sounded hurried and for a moment, Ten felt a little more secure. **“Me and mum are coming to get you, okay? I need you to go out of the park and find the name of the street you come on.”**

It was an easy task. Ten stumbled out of the park with his bag limp in his hands, the phone shaking in the other. Taeyong hadn’t stopped talking to him the whole time, telling him little things he knew would calm Ten down. At this point, he didn’t care if Taeyong found out, he knew that Taeyong knew. Just by his voice it was obvious. But Ten was selfish and all he wanted now was to be near his best friend.

A car speeded up to him in a matter of minutes and the call ended. For a slight moment as he watched Taeyong cobble out of the passenger seat, Ten wondered if he would tell his parents or Lisa or whether it was a betrayal to his own family that he thought of Taeyong first with that happened. The reflection of the headlights in Taeyong’s eyes made him forget about any thought he had left in his mind.

Ten was safe.

Taeyong had tear stains that glowed even in the streetlights as he ran to Ten and gathered him in his arms. They both were crying again when Mrs Lee came up behind them and wrapped a thin blanket around their huddled shoulders. Ten hardly noticed her presence when they pulled away and Taeyong forced him to look into his eyes.

“Don’t ever do that to me again,” Taeyong cracked a wobbly laugh amongst all his whimpering. The contrast of his pearly teeth against the rest of the cold night almost made Ten drop to the ground again and wonder why he was ever able to deserve a person like him. “I wouldn’t be able to live without you by my side. You are the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me, alright?”

He was wiping away all the stray tears that kept escaping Ten’s puffy eyes and smiled so purely that wiping them away became useless. Taeyong took his face into his palms and soothed away the crease lines forming in his face.

“It’s okay, I’m here now,” he whispered into Ten’s ear and let a hand travel down to his back where he repeated that little pattern Ten always used on him whenever he got overly anxious.

It took minutes, maybe hours, until Ten was able to stand straight again without a blurry vison. He was still glued to Taeyong’s side when they guided him into the car, blanket lain out nicely on his lap. Every glance Taeyong’s way and he felt his breath start to even out more and more until all he could feel was all the underlying fatigue dragging his body down until his was lain into Taeyong’s lap.

He didn’t notice Taeyong’s sudden tears however as he stroked Ten’s dark hair and the whisper that lay untouched between the three of them in the car. He was already asleep when Taeyong said it as if it didn’t exist in the first place.

_“You are my everything.”_

**TAEYONG’S APARTMENT, SEOUL**

**12:03 AM**

**MARCH, 2018**

“What do you mean, ‘I’m gay’?” His manager shouted at him the moment the words came out of Taeyong’s mouth. His stance stood taller than Taeyong and in a moment, he realised how dangerous this was for him.

His voice was small no matter how he tried not to let it, but the volume of his manager’s voice broke down every defence he held against himself. Against the dark reflection of them in glass walls, he could see one man cowering into the table behind while another man was arched over him like a vulture hunting for its prey. Truthfully, Taeyong felt terrified.

“I-I mean, that I d-don’t like girls,” he said silently, bowing his head in submission as his manager thundered up to him and pointed out a dangerous finger into his face. Suddenly, Taeyong couldn’t feel his face anymore. Nor the nails diggings crescents into his own palms.

The man who looks after him, he was an angry man. A horrifying one. Taeyong had seen him hit a trainee once across the face only because she’d forgotten to inform him that she was eating food outside of her set diet. Taeyong didn’t see her ever again after that, he only remembered her distant crying the more he walked away from the scene.

His manager was a bad man, Taeyong had inquired many times behind his back if his management team could be changed. No one had listened to him.

The finger still stood strong against his cheek. It was harsh but it didn’t hurt, not in the way it was supposed to. All Taeyong could see was gleaming eyes of the man he hated so much, staring down at him with so much disgust and anger. They were pure black and _mean._

Taeyong almost didn’t realise he was on the floor. He only noticed it when he felt his head for the impact and pulled away with blood sticking against his fingers. His skin was much too tan for the way his manager wanted him to be. He was also too skinny for the way his manager wanted to look like.

It was bizarre to think that something like this should’ve only been seen in the movies and not in real life. Not when the person who’s supposed to take responsibility of your career is pulling you up from the collar and spitting right into your face.

“I never asked to look after a disgusting faggot like you.”

He was on the ground again and only now did Taeyong feel the pain. Someone was screaming, for help, for something to stop. He couldn’t hear himself. Surely it was someone else.

Taeyong felt numb as words were spat from the man’s acidic mouth. Poison was sprayed onto his skin and he was thrown back again, a fist to the side of his ribs. Another scream hit the boundaries of his home.

“You filthy,” a kick came to Taeyong’s stomach, “piece of,” a shoe came crashing down on his hand, “worthless shit.”

Taeyong was the one screaming for help. He was crying from the pain. He only realised too late that in the midst of all this torture, a panic attack was coming on. He couldn’t breath even as the hateful man stepped away and admired his work with a sinister eye. He was gasping for something even when the other was speaking.

“Now, you will never reveal this information to the public to you understand me? We might have to set you up with another female idol to steer away any suspicions of your… sickness,” his manager spat, kneeling down to where Taeyong was still crying. His face was bleeding. “Do you understand me, slut?”

Taeyong realised that his manager was a very bad man indeed. He saw it in the way he first met his wife and accidently discovered the purple marks poorly masked by the dress she was wearing, or the excessive makeup she wore on a certain part of her face. He saw it in the way other workers in the office actively avoided him and maintained a very mundane presence around him if they did. He saw it in the way he’d seen multiple text messages to different women, all while with a wife and two daughters.

He saw it in the way blood pooled around his head and he saw the reflection of his battered face looking back him, the front door falling shut behind him. He didn’t whether the person staring back at him was even Taeyong, a complete stranger was the one crying with him on the floor, nursing his body like a child.

Taeyong didn’t call the police. He didn’t tell any authorities. He didn’t ask to change his management every again. He simply walked in the next day with a watery smile on his face and bandages lining all of his body, hidden by all the clothes on top.

A week later the news was leaked that Lee Taeyong, the most prized rapper in Neo Entertainment was rumoured to be dating long-time friend, actress Kang Seulgi of the same agency. He went home that night scratching away at all the raw scabs until his cries were louder than the voice in his head telling him to stop.

**STAPLES CENTRE, LOS ANGELES**

**4:25 PM**

**SEPTEMBER, 2019**

Between one breath and two, Taeyong felt the exhilaration of being on stage. The image in his head of all his fans screaming his name and waiting for his performance overpowered the darker parts of his mind that told him he wasn’t capable enough of going in front of thousands of people and showing them who he really was.

He wanted to hear them shout and cheer him on even if he took a breath too long with his back turned. Because that was okay, Taeyong is coming to realise as he stands on the big stage in front of a full stadium with empty seats.

“I’m on top of the world!” he shouted and smiled as he heard his voice amplified into a million different shards of colour. Just hearing it made the trip out of his comfort zone almost worth it. He hoped the moment he saw the thousands of faces that supported his trip to fame, would be the best moment of his life.

Someone was laughing behind him-a crude laugh, joining all his other voices around them. He hated that sound. Especially when it’s mixed with his own happy expression.

His manager walked up to him from behind. The moment his hand settled on his shoulder, Taeyong was taken back to that night over a year ago now, where he’d left alone to clean up his own blood and with a broken rib. He willed himself to stay upright.

“You seem happy,” his manager commented on and used his firm grip on him to turn Taeyong around until his was facing the scorn looking man. He was still the same.

Taeyong took a moment to collect himself before he could look into the eyes of a snake. “Yes.”

“Well, I have some news regarding your interview tomorrow. We’ve revised some of the questions they’re going to ask you regarding your relationship status and more personal things to get your fans interested, okay?”

This wasn’t exactly news to Taeyong. He knew the plans his manager held in his mind every second they were together. To him it was unfortunate to know so much about how an evil mind works especially when that mind had caused him so much pain. He knows it’s his manager’s ongoing plan to paint a different image of Taeyong in the media so no one would able to decipher the real him if they were to meet.

It was 2019 and he was still hiding.

Taeyong had nothing left to say except “yes” once again before watching him walk off the stage and into a blind spot from the lights.

“I’m strong!” he shouted once more and walked way to find his choreographer.

**GRAND HYATT, MELBOURNE**

**4:34 PM**

**MARCH, 2020**

As silly as it was, the two of them were supposedly being self-quarantined in their hotel room, that was what their agency told them to do. No flights were going to Seoul, there been a travel ban placed over Australia.

Ten complained to Taeyong many times that he couldn’t stand the thought of being holed up in a room, not even a house to travel around.

That’s how they ended up in the somehow still busy streets of the Melbourne city, travelling around with masks and caps just so they could hold hands.

“Where do you wanna go?” Ten asked and smiled up to Taeyong, squeezing his hand slightly to stop him from overthinking. They both realised that they’d simply left all their friends and family in a country with the worst mortality rate for the virus. The guilt was eating up at Taeyong.

They stood near the Federation Square now, looking down at the Yarra river and the high school rowers practising after school. They could hear the yelling of the teachers for them to go faster and laughs of the girls. It was a hot day for autumn.

Taeyong appreciated the effort coming from Ten. “I want cake,” he said and took the boy’s hand down the stairs to the riverside restaurants.

After a little while, they settled a cute little open restaurant with surprisingly a fair amount of people enjoying their Friday just like they were. It was nice.

“What do you think of the chocolate ganache and strawberry cake?” Ten asked, looking down the menu to look at Taeyong opposite him. To say he was a little surprised was an understatement.

“I thought you didn’t like fruit?” Ten shrugged and smiled, reaching for Taeyong’s knee under the table and rubbing it sweetly. Taeyong could feel his heartbeat speed up just by the simple action.

When he pulled away and settled both his hands together in his lap, Taeyong felt the disappointment linger for a second until he saw Ten smile brightly and then he felt sparkly again. “Because you like it and I want to share with you,” Ten said simply, shrugging his shoulders. Taeyong didn’t try and ignore the little spark of happiness that came with his words because he knew he was allowed to feel that way, even if others tried to bring him down.

They looked at the scenery around them and both smiled politely to the waiter who came to ask if they wanted any drinks. Although Taeyong was basically at an advanced level of learning in terms of English, Ten was fluent enough to pick up the conversation and order a nice dessert wine the waiter recommended herself.

After a long while of contemplation, Taeyong decided he _would_ take a picture of his food and claim to his managers that it was a photo from before that he decided to post. As much as he wanted to, he didn’t get Ten in it, and sighed when Ten pulled back so he could take the image.

“It looks wonderful,” Taeyong said the moment it came, ignoring the loud cackles coming from Ten. No one dared criticise his sweet consumption. He loved it almost as much as music and dancing.

Ten agreed, “it does.”

They enjoyed it, Taeyong liked it when Ten pushed his shoe between his legs- Ten liked it when Taeyong would smile at him suddenly then dip his head right into his plate all embarrassed. It was almost perfect for them.

The only thing that disturbed them was the overhanging threat Taeyong had received only days prior. Ten tried to ignore it and put it in the back of his head where the rest of the bad things have happened. It affected Taeyong a lot more, however.

The rest of the day they spent it travelling around the busy streets and into Lonsdale St where all the Asian stores were. He even saw little birthday ads for other idols in tea shops and giggled with Ten when they saw Renjun’s face in one of the windows smiling back at them.

They looked at the Queen Victoria Market and Taeyong almost died from smiling too much when he saw Ten had bought him a mochi plushie from one of the stands and chocolate covered strawberry jam to go with his sweet tooth.

Then it came to the point where they found a nice store selling handmade silver jewellery and Taeyong couldn’t help by be attracted to the little flower and thorn ring displayed in a sealed glass case. Rubies adorned the thorns as little flowers and little diamonds crusted the band; Taeyong thought it was too beautiful to be sitting in a cage like that. It looked so similar to the necklace he wore that he instantly knew what he had to do.

They got to the hotel later that day and dressed up to go to a nice restaurant for dinner. Looking in the mirror, they were what the media would call a ‘dynamic duo’. It made Taeyong awfully happy to be able to wrap his hand around Ten’s small waist, going under his sleek blazer and feeling for the silk shirt he was wearing underneath.

It was a happy night- they drank and they ate while a live band played some calm and relaxing music. Taeyong imagined his life to be a dream as he sat there having his favourite person in the world sitting right opposite him with a smile that reflected his own.

When they came back, Taeyong felt excited in the moment when he knew was going to surprise Ten. The moment he went into the bathroom to freshen up, Taeyong made it his duty to light candles presented by the hotel and take off his blazer that hid the ring. Ten hadn’t seen him buy it.

Spontaneity was something Taeyong was never good at. Even when he wanted to, he would panic in the very last moment and back out. Something about tonight felt inexcusably different.

Tonight, he was going to propose.


	9. ix. a rose for your thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS THE MOMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR, i present to u a little bit of established taeten who radiate happiness. they're SO CUTE. n e gays reload is coming out soon which will defs bring out inspo for my dream fic, so whoever reads that be prepared for some more norenmin ;)
> 
> question, what do y'all think will happen to them, will they end up happy?
> 
> don't forget to comment and leave a kudos like usual, i love u all <33333

**GRAND HYATT, MELBOURNE**

**11:27 PM**

**MARCH, 2020**

Ten stood on the opposite side of the door, staring at the gap between the floor and the door. He could see the lights being turned off.

The reason he’d barged himself in the bathroom was purely for the reason that he felt embarrassed. While Taeyong was probably standing out there looking ethereal just being the way he was, he looked in the mirror and had to see the fatigue dragging down in his body. He wanted to impress his boyfriend.

Mustering all the luck he had in himself, Ten had already carried his luggage inside the cupboard attached to the bathroom and it had all the impressive clothes he could show off to Taeyong. Ten realised maybe tonight was that night. What night that was, he didn’t know.

Weirdly enough, he wasn’t nervous, it felt engrained in him not to be. Not even when a knock came to the door and Ten almost fucked up his eyeliner, he had to smile and say “I’ll be out in a minute, darling,” before going back to what he was doing. He needed to look perfect.

The moment he stepped away from the mirror, Ten felt _powerful_. He felt sexy standing there in only his velvety blue silk shirt and his favourite black harness over it, tied together with the choker Johnny had gifted earlier that year as a silly joke. He _definitely _knew how to play against Taeyong’s weaknesses. Especially when he would be able to see all the purple bruises lining his thighs like his own little trophy.

What Ten didn’t expect however, was to come out of the bathroom with candles lit up all around the suite and the curtains drawn back to display the entirety of the city where anyone who dared use their imagine could picture Taeyong standing there with a single red rose held in his hands.

It looked like he was nervous.

Automatically, Ten drew himself up to where Taeyong held the stem of the rose, checking to see why he was anxious. After all they’d been through, Ten had made it in his will never to see Taeyong scared again, especially when he was around to make sure nothing happened.

Taeyong seemed to be perfectly fine, in fact, there was a certain _something_ that hadn’t been there before. It made Ten want to run his palms down his shirt. The way his eyes were solely focused on Ten in front of him as if nothing else was surrounding them, Ten felt like he was being undressed by standing from the other side of the room.

“You look radiant,” Taeyong breathed out and smiled at his boy, impelling him to come closer. He held out his hand and waited.

Ten had never been complemented like that before, not by any of his past relationships. It made him feel special, almost equivalent to the sun.

One step forward, then two, Taeyong slowly approached Ten when the other didn’t himself and smiled so softly, it melted even the coldest of days. Ten could hardly complain when he placed a hand flat on his chest and listened to Ten’s raging heartbeat contained inside its cage. Taeyong let his eyes close for a moment.

“I love you so much, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul,” whispered Taeyong into the subtle air they shared between them, letting his eyes weigh down on him and feel for the life contained inside his boyfriend.

Maybe it wasn’t him who noticed it, nor Ten. Maybe it had just been the fire gleaming off his hands when he pulled away or the weight of the saltiness in Ten’s mouth.

Ten was crying.

“I love you too,” he whispered back, completely enamoured by the man wiping away all his evidence of joy with the back of his hand. It made his heart squeeze every time he saw Taeyong smile a little more shyly each time, a certain hint of uncertainty laced in all the actions he took out.

Ten knew how brave and confident Taeyong wanted to seem in front of him, as if he was a new man, one that was better for a life with Ten. He didn’t have in him to tell Taeyong that it was okay to be weak, not when he was obviously trying so hard to satisfy Ten.

He didn’t expect however when the man he called home stepped away and proceeded to kneel down on one leg. Ten barely registered the glint of the silver ring now in Taeyong’s hand.

With a wondrous smile, Taeyong said, “The world cannot account for how long we’ve been together, how we’ve progressed through every tear and drop of blood shared between us. The world does know however how much I adore you, how I look up to the man who inspired me to become a better person no only for others but also for myself. I love you so much and there’s not a doubt in my mind that I would ever want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else when I have you right in front me, the most beautiful person in the world, the smartest and most creative. You may not believe this now, but the amount that you’ve changed other people’s lives for good is unbelievable, how you’ve touched their hearts simply with your creativity or kind heart and I will always love you so much for it.”

Taeyong took a breath and gazed up to see tear marks cemented into Ten’s skin as the man cried silently into his trembling hand. They both stood still looking at each other, imploring the other one to make a move. Taeyong smiled once more.

“Ten, you are the love of life for the rest of eternity and all I want to do is to spend all of it with you. Will you marry me?”

This time there was no pause, no moment of doubt or consideration. It was like a reflex within Ten to reach forward to Taeyong as if one of them was in pain. But no pain could ever describe the pure, unadulterated joy that ran through him as he pulled up Taeyong to his feet and clung to him desperately.

“Yes, yes I will marry you.”

**THE PLAZA, NEW YORK**

**8:23 PM**

**OCTOBER, 2019**

Ten was on the phone with Minhyuk when Taeyong knocked on his door. He told him to come in and sit down while he talked. He really tried not to mind the insistent stares Taeyong was giving the moment he realised who he was talking to.

**“So what, you guys are coming back for a few days like an intermission? When?” **Minhyuk wondered over the phone. Sometimes even to Ten his voice was too sweet to bare on the worst days.

“Next month I think around the end I think, might come back even in December,” Ten rubbed his neck, looking to Taeyong for guidance. He only shrugged unhelpfully and went back to staring. Ten rolled his eyes. “I don’t know, I’ll have to found out.”

**“Okay, let me know though. I miss my baby.”**

Although he didn’t want to, Ten couldn’t help blushing at his boyfriend’s words. He felt awkward being affectionate with his boyfriend in front of Taeyong.

He sighed and turned to go into the bathroom. “I miss you too, I miss your cuddles,” Ten pouted but smiled a little when he heard that signature laugh from Minhyuk that he loved so much.

**“Is that all you want me for?” **he argued sarcastically, drawing out the end of the conversation long enough for Ten to sit down on the edge of the bathtub and look out the window to the skyline at night. It was beautiful. He could imagine Minhyuk’s smile being that pretty, just like Taeyong’s.

“Yeah,” sounding a little breathless, Ten stood up and checked himself in the mirror self-consciously. “Hey, I have to go, I have to go discuss some things with Taeyong, but I’ll call you back, okay?”

**“Okay, I love you,” **Minhyuk said, sounding awfully serious in that moment. How did he make Ten blush again?

“I love you too, bye,” Ten farewelled and ended the call. He should be going back out there to see what Taeyong wanted.

When he entered back into his room, Ten didn’t expect a sleepy Taeyong to be vacating his bed with the duvet over him and up to his chin. He looked adorable like that with his silver hair ruffled in front of Ten.

“Was that your boyfriend?” the first thing Taeyong said to him. It wasn’t a harmful or ill-intended question, only innocent enough for Ten not to get mad at him. Not when he was looking at Taeyong liked he’d just lost his duck plushie in the wash.

Ten went and sat down beside him, not even bothering about any sort of appropriate distance. It was his bed and he was tired. Too tired to tell Taeyong to piss off. “Yeah, that’s him.”

“Is he nice to you?”

Of course, it was an odd question, no one in their remotely sound minds would ever dare to ask a random person that. But Ten guessed Taeyong wasn’t just a random person who was asking questions for fun.

Some sick part of his mind thought that maybe Taeyong actually _cared._

“Yeah, he’s really good,” Ten finds himself admitting, smiling to the ceiling as he settles in under the blankets with Taeyong. “He calls me everyday and makes sure I’m alright even he’s too tired or busy to. He’s worked hard for where he’s gotten in his life and he never forgets to include me in it too.”

Maybe it wasn’t a direct jab towards Taeyong, but he felt it nonetheless. It wasn’t his fault he’d been so busy to not realise that all this time while he worried about himself and his own wellbeing, he’d forgotten about Ten on the side. Left him out of his life to rot and wither. Like all those pretty roses Taeyong used to buy him.

Taeyong tried not to let it get to him and simply smiled back at Ten’s face even after he realised what he’d said wrong. He didn’t want to hear Ten apologise, he didn’t have it in himself to hear it. Taeyong didn’t know what would happen if he did.

“He sounds like a dream,” he said instead and closed his eyes, letting the calm weigh down his body.

Taeyong didn’t hear much other than, “yeah, he is,” before falling asleep in Ten’s bed with the boy right beside him warming his side.

Ten watched the lights outside flicker from each window, the traffics ongoing as everyone went on with their lives. He wanted that for himself, to move on. To be honest with himself.

That night there was no need for Ten to dream about anything when Taeyong was right there by his side.

**TAEYONG’S GRANDMAS HOUSE, JEJU ISLAND**

**1:04 PM**

**AUGUST, 2001**

Taeyong was only six years old when he saw his grandma for the last time.

To be perfectly honest, he didn’t really see the fuss all the adults around him were making when they tried to doll him up nicely to meet his grandma or why they were crying over the littlest of things. All he wanted was to go back home and play with the console his uncle had gifted him the month before. It baffled him why the adults were acting like the children.

Nevertheless, they managed him away from Seoul with the promise that they’d buy him another game to play on the console and even convinced him to act on his best behaviour when they all piled themselves into one of his grandma’s small rooms. It was to be their room for the next whole month.

Cousins came in and out of the house, smiling sympathetically when they saw him sneaking behind a wall, watching as they said their goodbyes for the night and left to do whatever they pleased. Taeyong had the urging wish to follow them, discover what was held outside of this stuffy old house made for an old person.

Sometimes, Taeyong would feel happy when someone would allow his grandma to cook for the family and he’d receive the best-looking meals he’d ever experience. Somewhere around that time he made a promise to himself to try and replicate his grandmother’s hand in cooking when he grew up.

There was one day, one day that made the little boy cry. A day where six year old Taeyong finally realised the finality of the situation, where maybe the person who gave him the coolest gifts on his birthday or made the best lunches wouldn’t be around when he graduated out of primary school or gets admitted to his dream university or meet the love of his life and marries him. He didn’t even get to tell his grandma about the pretty boy in his class that always said hi to him in the morning.

“Come sit down next to your grandmother, Taeyong,” his mother said to him that afternoon, gently taking his wrist to guide him to the chair beside his grandma’s bed. Taeyong was scared to look at her and see that she wasn’t going to be there anymore.

The waterworks started coming out of nowhere and it blinded him as his grandmother tried to raise a hand to his cheek, asking his silently to let go. That only made him cry harder.

“My little dove, what makes you cry on this beautiful day?” she asked him, too weak to form even a smile on her face. But Taeyong made it in himself to imagine one, to see a more lively and youthful woman in front of him.

He sniffled into his hand and laughed a little slanted, off put. “You won’t be there to see me on my wedding day,” he whimpered, placing his own hand on the aged one cupping his cheek. He looked down to his lap and traced all the wrinkles on his pants.

His grandmother laughed, a low and croaky one that caused her to cough deep into her lungs. It alerted everyone around them, even Taeyong who let go of her hand in a haste to let others attend to her.

Eventually, she moved them away and asked for some privacy with her grandson, the one who cried in the corner fearfully.

“Come back, my love. Let me tell you of my promise to you.”

So he came, stumbling back into that lush seat of his. It was still warm from the weight of his body, relaxing his muscles enough to brave himself and take back the hand that held his before.

“I won’t be with you, you are very correct, my darling boy, but I will tell you this: in your heart, there will be a place that I will sit, waiting for every moment that passes by in your life and I will celebrate. I will be there when you go to school and feel like giving up. I will be there even when you think you cannot go any further, that you think giving up is best. I will be there when you overcome all that and become everything you’ve ever dreamed of being,” she said, tapping lightly a finger on the inner side of Taeyong’s wrist. “Tell me, love, what do you dream of?”

It was a hasty attempt to make something up on the spot, but Taeyong couldn’t even think when his head pounded against his skull every time he looked to the fragile old hand he was holding. He felt it might dissipate right through his fingers if he looked away too long.

“I-I want to be a singer, o-or make music,” Taeyong whimpered through his wet eyelashes and squeezed her hand gently. “I wanna get married and have pink balloons everywhere. I wanna be like papa and be the best dad, that would be so cool! I want to look pretty like mama and still be strong like her too. I-I think she’s a superhero sometimes, don’t you think, grandma?”

His grandma laughed more gently this time, barely audible even as her body shook. “I think you’ll find the perfect person to spend the rest of your life with. You’re my smart baby boy. You can find anything you reach for, just promise me to be true to yourself.”

Taeyong didn’t realise how precious those last few moments with her were, not even as her eyes dulled considerably in front of him until they closed against the weight of her wet eyelids. Taeyong didn’t even get to promise her back before her grip on him slowly faded and he was shouting.

He was only a scared six-year-old who was facing death for the first time, he didn’t understand it when they quickly ushered him out of the room and told him to go to play with my cousins. Everyone knew he didn’t talk to his cousins.

**TAEYONG’S HOUSE, SEOUL**

**10:54 PM**

**JULY, 2014**

Ten walked them through the door gently, holding firm onto Taeyong’s hand as they let his mother guide him through the house till they landed upstairs in his room with both of them on either side of him.

Mrs Lee asked what happened while Taeyong numbly held onto Ten’s shoulder, falling in and out of awareness. The wrinkles in shirt folded the more he fell into a slumping position with all his energy gone. He didn’t notice when they started talking about the possibility of medication instead.

“Taeyong hyung’s been worrying about the end of school for a few months but he never wanted to tell you because he was too scared of your opinion,” Ten explained calmly, letting Taeyong’s grip tighten and loosen every once in a while as he spoke. “Now that school’s finished, I think it took a toll on him and so he ran away from me tonight when it was supposed to be our graduation celebration. He was crying and hurt when I found him.”

Irrational hurt scorched through Taeyong thinking about how much he must annoy his parents along with Ten by doing things like this. _This_, it makes him want to gag.

The mirror inside Taeyong’s room has familiarised itself with the self-inflicted hatred Taeyong puts on himself every morning. It watches as the young male speaks to himself the same words over and over again until their engrained like cement into the floor, prohibiting him to leave on the worst days. On the better days, Taeyong will smile into his cracked mirror and watch the multiple reflections of himself perceive differently in his mind. He’ll see anger and sadness like every other day, but on those special days hope will look back at him with his head held high. Taeyong can’t help himself but copy his actions and smiling at the other versions of himself who nod, approving of his little act of strength.

Obviously, today wasn’t one of those days.

His mother gasped when she saw the red gash on the side of his wrist. “Oh, you’re bleeding!” she cried, pressing down sharply on the clear cut. Taeyong watched with a weird sense of detachment as it started bleeding again.

Taeyong thought he was doing fine when he left his room that morning, he texted Ten and his sister as he got ready for a quick run to the local studio he’d gotten accustomed to in his years at school. It was the one place Ten or his family didn’t know about.

Heejin welcomed him the moment he came through the door like always, her perfectly white teeth extending out as she waved him over and passed over a sheet of music he’d wanted printed the week before. He thanked her before going to the main room where the owners usually sat.

It was a perfectly fine day, even when one of the guys sitting next to him asked about what he was going to wear tonight as if it was a normal topic of conversation. Taeyong somehow answered him with a sense of enthusiasm before going back to the song he’d been working on for at least the past year. It was supposed to be a birthday gift for Ten.

The problem only came when it was six o’clock and Taeyong stood completely naked in front of his wardrobe, shaking visibly. He could see his phone light up every few seconds with Ten’s icon plastering itself on the screen. He was asking about what time he’d get here to pick him up.

It just…suddenly hit him. It hit Taeyong how temporary everything was. That practically nothing stayed forever, not even the things you wanted to. That space he’d spent so much time making himself comfortable in was suddenly just not there anymore. It was gone.

Somehow forcefully, he’d managed himself into a pair of jeans, the ones Ten said he looked the best in, and a jumper. In a split second there was tranquillity sitting in every nerve of his body.

Taeyong knew he wasn’t going to the party.

Ten sat by him, stroking his back as question after question bounded against his skin ripping into flesh. He didn’t even notice as antiseptic burned on his cut and someone stood him up.

“We need to get him to emergency, it’s way too big and he’s losing more blood. It needs stitches,” someone said faintly. It barely reached Taeyong’s ears but he simply let them, falling pliant in Ten’s arms the moment they tried to stand him up. His dad was putting his shoes back on while his mum cried quietly behind them. Taeyong wanted to tell her to stop crying.

Someone wiped his own tears away as they walked them out of the house, whispering a cheerful tone in his ear. Taeyong could definitely hear the cracks in Ten’s voice.

He kept whispering that it was going to be okay. Taeyong wondered what the definition of ‘okay’ really was.

**LISA’S HOUSE, BANGKOK**

**11:23 AM**

**JULY, 2016**

“I think I’m in love with him, Lili,” Ten confessed suddenly. The moment he did however, his hand came straight to his mouth as if he willed to take it all back.

Lisa was just as shocked as him, realising too late what that really meant to Ten. She’d been in the middle of packing her luggage when suddenly it came out.

He didn’t know _why_ it did, but the moment the words were spoken all of it just made him sag forward. Thinking he was about to collapse Lisa ran forward and held onto his shoulders as she drew him closer to her chest.

“You’re okay,” she whispered into his hair, stroking it like they did back when they were little and used to play pranks on people until they told them off and Ten would get upset.

“I can’t be in love with him,” Ten mumbled, against her shoulder. He was shaking with violent shivers and instantly felt bad when Lisa reached for a blanket to put over his shoulders. “I can’t. It would ruin him.”

For everything she’d done in her life for Ten, Lisa didn’t understand this part. “I don’t get it,” she furrowed her brows.

Ten shook his head and pulled the blanket closer to him, protecting him. “He’s already so weak, if he found how I felt about him then he wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore and then he’d have no one,” explained Ten, feeling like crying in that moment. He wanted to keep it in for Lisa; this was supposed to be an exciting moment for her.

“He has others,” Lisa tried to reassure him, but it was useless. Ten knew his best friend, everything about him. He said he had others, but even his parents neglected him in moments they didn’t realise.

Taeyong was the sort of person to focus solely on the thing in front of him and block out anything else that might interfere with that. He was intense in the way he clung to people and loved them.

“I’m a bad friend for liking him like that?” he questioned, pulling away slightly from her embrace. The heat between them was making him feel stuffy even in Lisa’s large room. He could feel the sweat gather where his chain for Taeyong would rest.

Lisa was a good friend, after all she’d known him for the longest. But she had her own problems to battle. She didn’t have a clue on the matter, she’d never fallen in love. Sometimes Ten wondered what a good thing it would it be if he was like her, free from any doubts of misjudgement.

“Tata, you can never be bad even if you tried. You adore Taeyong, you’d never do anything to hurt him,” she said. God, Ten had missed her so _much._

**TEN’S FAVOURITE CAKE SHOP**

**11:02 AM**

**JANUARY, 2013**

The moment Taeyong walked in through those doors, Ten had almost spilled the hot chocolate sitting wildly on the edge of the table. His hands shook as he waved him closer, smiling nervously to his best friend the moment he got his usual kiss on the cheek. Ten could almost could laugh with the energy pent up inside him.

And he did, the moment Taeyong sat down in the chair opposite him. Ten thought maybe it was the overly warming heater circulating in the café but he giggled when his friend said hello. He didn’t even know what was funny.

Taeyong quirked his brow up curiously as he laughed silently with his best friend, still taking off his coat. Ten took that moment to analyse how skinny Taeyong had gotten in the last few months. He was almost a different person completely.

They waited, Ten didn’t know what for, but they waited. Dumbly, he realised it was for the waitress to come and take Taeyong’s order. He must’ve lost his mind already.

“So,” Taeyong resolved the silence once she was gone, planting his hands on the table. They were dangerously close to Ten’s, he noticed absently. “What did call me here for? We have a calc test tomorrow, you realise that?”

Ten didn’t think he could keep it quiet anymore, his mouth begged to move. His guts were unravelling with nervous excitement and for no reason. He didn’t know why it was so exciting, or interesting. He could’ve just told Taeyong over text.

But Ten has a thing for theatrics and he _loved_ seeing Taeyong’s puzzled face. It was adorable. “Guess who lost their ass card last night?” he asked, practically bouncing in his seat. His drink had spilled by now, for sure.

But Taeyong wasn’t having it. He was totally confused. “What?”

Ten rolled his eyes but went on.

“Me, Tae. I got a massive ass dick,” he spread out his hands to demonstrate, “up my tight ass. I had sex with one of Jisoo’s friends that we met at the party last week. I did the deedly doo with a hot ass man.”

Bless him, Taeyong brows still scrunched up tighter until Ten reached over and gently smoothed them out. Taeyong unconsciously held his breath seeing Ten’s face this close.

And then it clicked right then and there, right as he was about to drink from Ten’s mug.

Hot chocolate sprayed the both of them as Taeyong choked on the drink, spurting it all out on the thankfully empty table. Someone was laughing from another table, watching their misfortune from afar. If he hadn’t been soaked in lukewarm liquid, maybe he would’ve laughed too.

“You had what? Did he pressure you into anything you didn’t want? Did you use protection, please tell me you did. Did he hurt you?” Taeyong pestered him suddenly, magickly appearing with napkins and wiped them down aggressively. Ten thought it definitely wasn’t the time to be an old dad.

He giggled. “Truthfully, it hurt a lot at the start but he reassured me that everyone felt the same. It was good afterwards though, he was kind when I got a little insecure in the middle,” he admitted shyly, pushing back a strand of hair with his ticking hand. Then he saw his friend’s face and rolled his eyes. “And yes, we did use protection, mum.”

That satisfied Taeyong enough back into his seat. “Fine,” he huffed, hands over his chest. They could see their cakes approaching them as the waitress brought it over. Ten watched Taeyong blush thankfully when she bowed to him and winked before leaving them both.

“So will you let me tell you about his monster cock and toys he had? He even had that rippled dildo I was raving to you about!”

“Ten, shut up!”

**Author's Note:**

> fon't forget to leave a kudos and a comment telling me what you think of the fic so far, makes us writers more productive an hence faster to pop out these chapters for you! <333


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